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Several weeks of consternation and cheap political arguments came to a crescendo this afternoon causing Washington D.C. to erupt into an cataclysmic explosion not witnessed in this century.
Professor Richard Von Rikersnapper, head thinker and keeper of the famed Nuclear Clock, said the District of Columbia absorbed about as much political friction and wrangling as possible between the press, politicians, idiots and the lesser sub-humans that dwell around congress with no apparent usefulness.
The explosion, which was equivalent to nearly one sixteenth megaton, rocked several office buildings, cafes and tourist sites around D.C. during senate hearings and investigations over Hurricane Katrina, NSA wiretappings, delayed White House responses over attempted manslaughter charges against Dick Cheney and several other issues that brought politicians to critical mass.
"The human body can take only so much agitation before erupting into spontaneous explosion. Combine that with a little gin, too much body fat and then packing said humans into a tight space and it can get ugly," Rickersnapper said.
After President Bush notified FEMA to help clear out the House Office Building, he received a taped message stating they were out of town but if the caller wished to leave a message someone would return the call as soon as possible.
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said FEMA needed a few days of R&R after taking the problems of the world on their shoulders and would likely return in a day or so after they read about the disaster in the paper.
McClellan denied allegations by the replacement press that Bush hates reporters therefore did not call in FEMA at least two days before the explosion.
"It was obvious to many Republicans that Congress was about to breach and the weakened press could no longer contain them," John F. Kerry, presidential loser, said from his snow covered Villa in the North of Maryland. "This disaster could have been prevented if Bush would have sent more money to Washington and allowed more spending by our elected officials."
The explosions set off numerous smaller blasts in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Cleveland and other liberal press holdouts across the country.
"Homeland Security could not have foreseen this in the works since nothing to this extent has ever happened in recorded history, though I do recall some folks were turned into pillars of salt in the Old Testament," Rickersnapper added.
The Marines and National Guard, who were called in to restore calm and clean up the debris, dubbed this historic event as "Operation Teddy Boy," an obvious referral to the 1945 H-bomb dropped over Nagasaki, code named "Fat Man."
Armstrong Ranch, Texas
Both forensic police and FBI agents have agreed the body found under a large oak tree was not that of Dick Cheny's best friend, Harry Whittington.
Whittington, according to eye witnesses, ran quickly from the brush after Cheney took aim at his backside with a 28 gauge shotgun loaded with environmentally friendly bird seed.
Cheney, who loves to pull pranks during hunting trips, took aim and shot his long time friend and lawyer twice in the buttocks.
Experts on light artillery say the bird seed would likely not penetrate through khaki slacks but would still sting like crazy.
In a bizarre twist of events, a stranger to the ranch was found with his heart and other vital organs removed and authorities said his inards were likely a meal for the buck that police were able to photgraph.
"We are still puzzled over the identity of the hunter that was being consumed by Mule Deer," added Jerry Slueth, Marshall of Salome County.
It is rare for the deer to consume a human but authorities have noticed more deer on edge lately since a threat towards a baby deer was published in a national news blog.
"Deer are like that," Sleuth said. "They tend to take care of their own."
The captured deer was checked for rabies then booked for murder.
As news broke of the devastating find, animal activists and national speaker for all things strangely odd, Cindy Sheehan, called for the release of all jailed deer.
Whittington later stumbled back to the lodge where he and Cheney enjoyed a wonderful venison and grouse dinner.
Photos released this afternoon from RightWing News proves that Jack Abramhoff and then, National Guard Pilot, George Bush had been seen together as early as 1963.
The photographs taken aboard the Luxary River Boat Princess Jewel (above) on the Gowananfib River, near Clinton, Ohio, shows Bush (magnified) ((below)) waving good-by from his 1962 Ford Falcon to Abramoff.
RightWing News stands behind the photo.
After Mattel spent spent numerous years and countless hundreds of dollars turning Ken into a bright young Metrosexual, the toy maker announced today it was scraping the project.
Insiders at the secretive toy maker's design studios told reporters from RightWing News Ink, after several attempts to reintroduce Barbie and Ken, the electricity just wasn't there.
Barbie, who has lived high and mighty for several decades has rejected the smooth faced, wavy hair young vocalist and part time waiter, for Jake the Welder Doll.
Jake, has been instrumental in helping Barbie get off barbiturates and Jack Daniels, a combination that has sent her to The Betty Ford Clinic on several occasions.
"Barbie just hasn't handled success very well," top designer Percy Widestripes told reporters and this new boy-toy just can't relate to her. "He's the new kid on the block and she's been around more times than a cheap carnival merry-go-round."
The only Ken Doll left in existence has escaped the Los Angeles toy factory and according to investigators has been seen in and around Broken Back Hills.
Police in the not-so-rugged Texas town are searching closets at the Plaza Hotel but as of press time law enforcement officials have only found his Gouchi bag.Wanted posters have been posted on e-bay.
WashingtonDemocrats were angered this morning when President Bush leaked a secret plan by Al Qaeda to bomb Los Angeles in 2001. Bush divulged the leak during a speech at the National Guard Memorial while Democrats were hiding in a parking deck after a urinal deodorant set off alarms.
Immediately after the all clear signal, an emergency meeting was called by certain key Democratic members of congress, trying to prove Bush had foreknowledge of the near disaster.
"This whole time, about 5 years by my calculation, Bush has kept this secret from America," Senator Leahy, D-Vermont , said in an emergency congressional inquiry. "If this doesn’t prove Bush new about 911, then I’ll eat a bucket of yellow Vermont snow."
Bush said he leaked the information in order to show the country how important it was for the NSA to tap phone calls of so-called American citizens who convene around Starbucks all day with seemingly nothing to do.
"Obviously many of those people are half crazy from caffeine and with no way to track them, well, we are looking for trouble," Bush said. "They sit around speaking gibberish and scarring away customer."
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed a coffee drinker and mastermind behind the threat, had his sights on a building called, for no obvious reason, the Library Tower. Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosas, along with city fathers later changed the name to the U.S. Bank Tower as an attempt to fool the terrorist.
"If Al Qaeda was going to hit a target in LA, then why would they hit the Library Tower, " Leahy asked. "They hate our culture so why would they not crash into the Hollywood sign."
The plan, similar to the successful hijacking and flying of planes into the World Trade Center and Pentagon that killed more than 3,000 people over four years ago, was stopped with the help of coalition partners in Qatar who ran them over with an army tank, Bush said.
FBI agents also leaked plans found in Sandy Berger’s socks that outlined a threat by several Mid-Eastern men to throw shoe bombs at half-dressed confused looking people at Venice Beach.
"We can no longer pretend that evil does not exist so I am forced to leak before the Democrats leak," Bush said. "You want leaks, I’ll show you leaks."
That threat inflamed Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., enough to blame the president for telling whoppers in order to scare Americans into supporting the Patriot Act, she said at a meeting of United Auto Workers on Wednesday.
"The Bush administration is telling fibs, dirty fibs, dirty leaky rotten fibs," Hillary yelled.
"Besides he cannot explain to me why we have not captured or killed the tallest man in Afghanistan," Clinton said, referring to the Al Qaeda leader.The leaks in and around Washington in the last 24 hours have been severe enough for city to declare flood warnings.
Warning given. If I don't get at least 50 people to read this blog everyday, Bambi II will be eaten!
pp hh pp hh pp hh "Cubes of venison stew meat are browned with onions and garlic and combined with Worcestershire sauce, oregano and covered with water in this stew with chunks of carrots and potatoes.
INGREDIENTS:
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 pounds venison stew meat
3 onions, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon Worcestershire
sauce
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano 1 tablespoon salt
3 cups water
7 small potatoes, peeled and
quartered
1 pound carrots, cut into 1 inch
pieces
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup water
DIRECTIONS:
1. In a skillet, deeply brown the meat in oil. Add onions, garlic. Worcestershire sauce, bay leaf, oregano, salt, and water. Simmer, covered, for 1 1/2 to 2 hours, or until meat is tender.
2. Add potatoes and carrots; cook until tender.
3. Combine flour and water. Stir into the stew. Remove bay leaf before serving.Will Bambi be consumed? It's up to you. Only You Can Save Bambi.This is not a joke!
Several weeks of consternation and cheap political arguments came to a crescendo this afternoon causing Washington D.C. to erupt into an cataclysmic explosion not witnessed in this century.
