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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

THE VIRUS PART TWO


With computer parts now scattered across his bedroom all he needed was an extension cord to reach into the kitchen, since the only outlet on that side of the house was found there. Carter ran out to the shed and dug through nearly a dozen boxes until he found a dried brittle cord. Gramps once used it to secure his rocker to the porch in case another gas explosion was to occur. Now that gramps wandered off his family put his belongings out back in the shed.

Carter flew through the back door, plugged in the old pile of wires and plastic into the socket and hoped for science to reward him greatly for all his efforts. He pushed the on-off switch and sat back.
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Much to his dismay there were no checkbooks, no girlfriends, no world wide web to take him to far away places–just a dim flickering green screen starring back at him.

"Should be someplace to change channels don't ya reckon," pa said, as he stood in the doorway, keeping his distance.

"Naw, its got one of them viruses," his younger brother Justin said. "Computers carry them viruses ya know."

Suddenly from the back porch granny started to scream in a rather piercing tone as if she was summoning up every force of darkness for miles around. She overheard Justin's comments though the family considered her nearly half deaf.

"I know'd it, I know'd it. First we get electricity poisonin' from the gobernment, now ya bring a virus home and turn it lose. Heavens to Betsy son, what are you trying to do, kill off your poor old granny," she said, waiving her cane in his face.

The remainder of the day and half way through the night granny paced the floor until she fell to the bed in a cold sweat suffering from swamp madness.

About 3:30 in the morning the screaming resumed. "Call Doc Peterson, call the parson," granny yelled. "That computer virus done took hold of me and I'm a dyin, Oh sweet chariot come take me home." At 4:12 granny got up from her bed, took her last breath and fell over dead on top of the computer that she was about to beat with her cane.

Word spread like wildfire around McCarver County that Granny Edwards succumbed to a computer virus, all because her grandson brought home an infected machine. Folks started calling Doc Peterson asking for vaccinations and antibiotics. Seemed like all the explaining in the world could not lessen the panic stirring about the county.

They laid Granny to rest the following Saturday. Some folks thought it would be best to burn the coffin and body but instead the Parson gave a simple eulogy attended by a few brave souls of McCarver County.

"Folks, now you all know the millennium is about to come to an end, well, sadly I'm here to tell you we are stuck right here and will never enter that glorious new age," said the stern faced old pastor, holding a King James tightly against his chest, with one finger stuck somewhere in the Book of Revelations.

"We have no choice but to accept fate. Much as Moses overlooked the Promise Land but could not enter there in, we too, are lookin' at the year 2000 and find ourselves locked out. According to what I been a readin' in them news magazines my dearest wife brings home from the grocery store, all them computers will lock up on December 31 of this year and we will be stuck here, completely unable to git inta the new year."

"Oh my dear friends," the parson continued, "the world will surely be a mess, but not to worry, this same ol' devil virus that killed Granny Edwards will surely kill the rest of us and the scientists who created them machines. Prepare yourselves, ye sinners, and especially you who are responsible for bringing the virus into Granny's sweet lovin home. We are surely comin' home soon."

A few amen's rumbled from the crowd as Carter slumped down as low as he could in the hard metal folding chairs. A few of the ladies were fanning themselves rather briskly and if the parson hadn't started the chorus of Rock of Ages as soon as he did a few more elderly ladies may have soon greeted the great by and by.

The funeral ended with a solemn rendition of Nearer My God To Thee sung by Matilda Evans whose husband owned the funeral parlor, guaranteeing her top spot in the funeral proceedings. Her abrasive voice had caused many a whisper in the audiences over the years. After she sat down the parson invited all to stay for some good ol' potluck funeral eatin's over at Sister Bessie Miller's .

The next day Carter traded the computer, his worn out 65 Plymouth sedan and Granny's bed which nobody would sleep in, for a ‘62 Dodge Lancer with the back seat missing. As he drove up the long hill to the Edward's homestead the radiator hose blew, releasing a great cloud of steam into the muggy evening air. Carter pulled the old dusty blue car down into the driveway mumbling what seemed to be curses under his breath.

The cost of a new hose was more cash than he could scrape up at the time. No big deal since Carter always knew he could catch a ride out on the two lane if he could wait long enough. After all, his life wasn't goin' nowhere, nohow.


The Life and Times of Carter Edwards
Copyright 6/23/98

Sunday, June 18, 2006

THE VIRUS

The following is a chapter from an unfinished novel called The Life and Times Of Carter Edwards. The book is a story about a young man who lived "south of here." No matter how hard he tried, life always held him down. Not that he wasn't ambitious and desirous of a fulfilling life, it's just a case of ol'man hard luck was always getting the best of him.

Scott's posting about Apple and Bill Gates reminded me of the chapter called The Virus, presented to my patrons in two parts.



Carter Edwards felt the world was passing him by. Not because his 65 Plymouth sedan would, like clock work quit running about six miles from home, whether coming or going. No, it wasn't car problems that befuddled Carter this day since he knew a ride could always be had if he stood out on the two-lane long enough.


Life's bitter downfall as Carter saw it, stemmed from his down-home lifestyle. Now you must understand the Edward's family lived rather simply, tucked away in a old house without electricity nor household appliances. The nearly 75 year-old pile of lumber and nails lie surrounded by woods, swamps and rather painful briars. Their completely deplorable housing situation ended three years ago when the government offered a grant to update some of the more rickety dwellings in McCarver County.

Carter's feeling of isolation only intensified while he sat in the government office helping his folks sign the contracts necessary for running electricity to their home. In his boredom he leafed through an outdated glossy periodical entitled Computer Savvy. Truth be known anything more complicated than a back porch swing befuddled Carter. Yet the idea of owning a computer suddenly excited him.

"Yup," he mumbled, "a computer is just what I need."

Carter figured if he owned a computer he would then be nearly as smart as his cousin Jerrold, who the family admired because he had a job which required a written test. Well, actually, it was just an application form, but in this family, filling out an application is a test.

Good fortune came to Carter the very next day. While digging around at the Bristol Holler Swap Shop and Used Car Emporium for a solenoid he found an old used computer. The pile of tangled wires, keyboard and screens dated back about 15 years but that did little to deter the excited young man.

Now the Edward's household, numbering around 12 inhabitants, depending who was leaving, running away from ,or being told to leave home, had the reputation of being a superstitious clan, with Grandma Lizzie being the worse. She swore to the idea since electricity was now running haphazardly all through the house, the invisible power would slowly kill them. This fear stemmed from the slow gas leak that blew most of the Edward's shack to smithereens back in ‘72, sending gramps and his rocker sailing back into the briars surrounding the slough.

The clatter of Melvin Dabit's pick-up could be heard descending the long steep driveway leading to the Edward's home that humid summer day. Carter jumped out of the truck, grabbed the pile of computer parts and after an awkward parting jester ran into the house allowing the screen-less back door to slap loudly behind him.


Carter knew the real world would soon await his every command if he could just get the computer wired up and plugged in. He read an article in the Computer Savvy magazine about getting your checking account on the computer. The misguided young man thought a checking account would literally be waiting for him to sign onto as soon as the dusty off-white machine came to life. Even more exciting was the idea of meeting girls, hundreds of them in fact, with just a magic push of a button.

With computer parts now scattered across his bedroom all he needed was an extension cord to reach into the kitchen, since the only outlet on that side of the house was found there. Carter ran out to the shed and dug through nearly a dozen boxes until he found a dried brittle cord. Gramps once used it to secure his rocker to the porch in case another gas explosion was to occur. Now that gramps wondered off his family put his belongings out back in the shed.

Carter flew through the back door, plugged in the old pile of wires and plastic into the socket and hoped for science to reward him greatly for all his efforts. He pushed the on-off switch and sat back.

Friday, June 02, 2006

6,000 PAGE REPORT BEFUDDLES MAYOR NAGIN



WASHINGTON —A 6,000 page report was released today by the Army Corp of Engineers showing what happened, how it happened and who was responsible for the destruction of New Orleans last fall after Katrina destroyed the historic town while many residents sat watching the impending doom approach on the Weather Channel.

The report contained vast amounts of technical terms, such as corruption, incompetence, extortion, tom foolery and hypnotic trances, the later from watching the above mentioned weather channel.

Also included in the article was an alarming fact that the gulf town is sinking under its own weight, so much that residents in high rise government slum housing may soon have walk in apartments.

The last few chapters contained penciled in diagrams and maps the engineers scribbled on the back pages of the reports while being placed on hold for hours by the Nagin administration.

Officials in Louisiana have downplayed the report saying the huge text was nothing more than a coverup by FEMA, who refused to save the chocolate town when disaster struck.

A government official told residents today in a radio broadcast over WWL The Big 870, "they have nothing to fear but running out of beer," during the next hurricane which was in reference to FEMA's refusal to supply beer to the residents who were stuck in their attics during 95 degree temperatures.

"The government's job is to see to it that poor folks get what they need in times of emergencies and a cold one would certainly been good medicine for folks who had to spend the day fighting off mambo snakes," an aide to the Nagin legacy told reporters.

When asked by a reporter from FOX News, if this whole city of New Orleans quagmire isn't reminiscent of Rome burning while Nero fiddled, the aide screamed back that "It was FEMA, if one recalls, who did not send sufficient drivers in time to load up the buses and now they want to join forces with the Army Corps and befuddle us with a 6,000 page report. We have to move forward and forward is just around the corner."

Meanwhile another report was released today showing the polar ice caps were once a tropical vacation spot for early human-like primates since explorers recently discovered beach chairs, ice buckets and those funny little paper umbrellas that are so popular with tourist.

Nagin's office was looking into those rumors as their phones and computers were sinking in the mud.