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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Democrats Finally Complete Draft On New Ideas To Win The White House

After a long evening of self-examination, reading the New York Times, drinking coffee and browsing through comic books, the Democratic Nationalists Party (DNP) finally created a plan to win the hearts of America in the next presidential election.

Nancy Pelosi read the bedeviling three page statement, which contained one and a half pages outlined in Spanish, laying out the complete vision of the Democratic party.

Along with the great oratorical words and buffoonery, which took one hour, Senate Democratic spokesperson Harry Reid, D-Nev., finally shared the
coup de grâce of the platform which included eliminating Osama bin Laden, rebuilding the military, winning the war in Iraq as quickly as possible and peeking into all containers and cargo bound for the United States.

Harry Reid, D-Nev., said our gang wanted to show "that Democrats are just as patriotic as Republicans."

"We watch baseball, pay our taxes and I'm sure if I think hard enough, I can come up with a few extra things to show we can wave our flags just as well as they (Republicans) can."

The political statement was thin on details and had no mention of how they were going to eliminate bin Laden, but Pelosi was sure of one thing, more troops were needed to win the war.

"I plan to introduce a bill to make it a requirement for military recruiters to open an office on every major campus in our country," Pelosi said as she crossed her fingers behind her back. "And hopefully we can reintroduce the draft, something Bush should have done ten years ago."

When asked what she meant by "our country" and then was reminded Bush was not in power ten years ago Pelosi just told the reporters that remarks had to be submitted in writing and maybe they would take a closer look at the questions.

Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., also told reporters their plan wiped clean the table of discussion and dared the Republicans to beat their plans to capture bin Laden.

"I don't think they can muster the courage," Clinton said. "We showed them we had the, well, how can I put it, the testicles one might say, to keep the terrorist away from our ports and never once did we have to listen in on a private phone conservation to do it."

Reid added that, "Bush declared an illegal war and we plan on taking this conflict back to the courts, making it legal."

The new plan, which for some unknown reason left out John Kerry, was released after the evening news.

Many evening commentary programs such as FOX News made political hay out of the report, especially the page written in Spanish.

"The report was just alphabet soup dumped on the floor, swept up and thrown on their political table," said a pundit on CNN. "I sure can't make heads or tails out of it."

There was no response from the White House but tumultuous laughter could be heard in the Oval Office.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The New Great Wall of California Breaks Ground

As the Immigration Bill grew closer to passage literally thousands, if not millions of illegals were seen heading for the Mexican border as Senate majority leader Bill Frist warned he would soon authorize construction of the Great Wall of California.

Other Republicans, who were just standing around the senate building looking like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming Semi seemed to be afraid of making any decisions as not to offend anybody, somebody or anything.

GOP Sen. Sam Brownback from Kansas on the other hand wanted to throw a National Day of Ice Cream Socials intended to make all Americans realize the illegals were living amongst them and therefore should invite them over for a little cake and ice cream and rub shoulders with their brown neighbors.

"It isn't often we get a chance to show the world that Republicans can be good liberals too," Brownback said before a group of Latino rocket scientist in Denver.
"We need to have an open door policy, yet still keep our own doors locked at night."

Meanwhile Frist was showing his plans for the big wall on a nationally televised news program that was carried on every major network except Telemundo.

The wall, he explained, will be 50 foot tall, and run from San Diego to Brownsville Texas, with about 20 small openings that will upon random occasion be opened from 9 a.m. till 6 p.m.

The idea is to keep them guessing as to which gate will open on which day," Frist said. "Not only will it offer security but it will also provide fun and excitement."

Experts in wall building said it will have an absolute smooth surface that is 20 times slicker than Teflon on the bottom half and a rough surface with sharp pointy things on the top half.

"This will keep suction cup fanatics off the wall," said Bill Oddbody, a research scientist, with the Defense Department.

"Once the wall is completed by the end of summer any illegal that is still hanging around that isn't here to dig potatoes, pull up turnips, mow lawns or do work white men are incapable of, will be forced to swim back home," Frist said.


John Kerry D, Mass, said it will be a blight to all who desire to vacation in exotic places like Del Rio, Texas and if he runs again he will have a better plan.

The wall will be built with silicone steel pieces that resemble Lego's, therefore allowing swift construction.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Thousands of Immigrants Protest In Minnesota

Under threatening skies, countless thousands of Scandinavian-Americans, Irish-Americans, and a few German-Americans walked down Hennepin Avenue in Minneapolis protesting immigration laws that may have left a few relatives back in the old country.

The angry marchers, mostly senior citizens, came from as far away as Dubuque, Iowa and Fond-de-Lac Wisconsin.

Bob Swenson a marcher from Deer River, Mn,. told reporters of RightWing News, Ink, that younger game wardens have been unusually mean towards residents whose ancestry go back to Sweden, demanding they not catch over their limit of Walleye.

"Just how are ve to survive up nort' if we can't eat vhat is in de lake," Swenson said. "Sure ve were here before dem young fellers were by golly, but I tink de vant us to go an starve."

Signs were seen along the parade route with phrases like, "We won't go back to Norway, were here, we ain't gay or nothin like that, so leave us alone by golly."

Dan O'kelly, whose grandparents came here from Ireland over a hundred years ago said it was a multicultural thing. "We seen beer, brats, Swedish meatballs and lots of Folgers Coffee being sold along the parade route."

Along with tears of sadness, the seniors who, for the most part, forgot what they were protesting about complained a lot about aches and pains.

Police agreed, once the crowd was fed, most of them dropped out to rub their corns and bunions and went home.

President Bush said he had no plans to expel Norwegians or Ireland's fine citizenry, but doesn't know about the Finlanders yet.