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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

SHEEHAN DEMANDS TROOP PULL OUT FROM EAST TIMOR


SOMEWHERE, UNITED STATES–Cindy Sheehan, charismatic leader of the vibrant left wing Pull Out Party (POP), told a small crowd of protestors at a Memorial Day speech yesterday that our president should demand all foriegn troops depart East Timor immediately.


East Timor's president, Xanana Gusmao announced emergency measures after mobs burned down straw huts, upset empty garbage canisters and burned the only 24 cars left on the island, all because of missing evidence that massacres followed the nation's break from Indonesia.

When asked by reporters if she knew how to find East Timor on the map, Sheehan replied that, "Where it is at is of little consequence to her because if troops are there then oil had to be around someplace, and if oil was around someplace then Bush was letting our children die for no reason."

Since violence has flooded the capital, killing at least 27 stray dogs and wounding 100 people, some 1,300 foreign troops have been sent in from Australia, New Zealand and Malaysia in hopes of restoring peace.

President Bush responded to a reporter from National Public Radio, who loved using her phony nauseating accent, he had no reason to send in troops to quell civil disobedience and, "if she hadn't been listening to Sheehan to begin with, that she (the reporter) wouldn't be wasting his precious time asking something that stupid."

Gusmao said he was taking sole control of security, which in turn was seen as an attempt by ruthless gangs to destroy the political freedom of this once unknown country.

Following her Memorial Day speech at the Skeptics Power Unitarian Temple outside Denver, Sheehan joined in a march with nearly 31 other geographically befuddled followers to the Borders Book Store in hopes of discovering where East Timor is located and why Australia, who joined forces with Bush to fight the war in Iraq, has invaded this country nobody ever heard of.

A spokesperson for POP said Sheehan's followers discovered that East Timor had a bustling Sandalwood trade until Oceanic Exploration Corporation and ConocoPhillips began to develop oil exploration projects which in turn caused natives to slash and burn the aromatic trees.

As of today East Timor has the world's lowest GNP due mostly to the natives desire to sit around and burn incense, but that could soon change because Starbucks has shown a potential desire to cultivate expensive but nasty tasting coffee which would elevate it to the world's third worse GNP right behind Cuba and Haiti.

"We knew all along if we connected the dots it would lead to that place in Texas where we protested last year, wherever that was, you know the President's ranch," the POP representative said.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

FBI REPLACES CONGRESSIONAL CLEANING STAFF

WASHINGTON–The search undertaken by the FBI last weekend against Louisiana's front running Democratic bribery king, William Jefferson, has lawmakers upset because many feel it was unconstitutional as well as a tad bit uncomfortable.

House Majority Leader John Boener of Ohio told reporters his maid service refused to show up that evening because the new Americans who normally clean offices quickly vacated the area when uniformed men entered the building.

"Congress will somehow speak to this issue of the Justice Department's invasion of the legislative branch. In what form I don't know," Boehner said.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he understood the concerns but felt the maid service was doing a rotten job to begin with so everyone needed to take a deep breath, calm down and go back to doing whatever it was they were doing before the FBI ransacked Jefferson's office.

A source with the FBI said officials could not believe the condition Jefferson's office before they entered the luxuriously appointed three bedroom Washington domicile.

"We had to undertake a decisive move that evening in what we called Operation Cleanup," Gonzales said. "It took nearly three hours to pick up hidden money, desktop computers that were left laying around as well as hard drives that we were sure had dust and old fingerprints on them, so we took them downtown to clean them up for him."

Hillary Clinton D-N.Y. said she was thankful that her office staff had everything clean and in order before the FBI inspection came through.

"Even the box of files under my bed were finally cleaned out and shredded," Clinton said.

"We were actually doing Rep. William Jefferson a favor," Gonzales told reporters, "since he seemed to have lost a subpoena that we issued last summer."

The FBI were looking for known documents as well as money Jefferson had put away after agents recorded his conversations.

"It was amazing because he seemed to have swept the subpoena and much more under the carpet," Gonzales said.

Jefferson still has hopes for his political career and was glad to finally have a bribery charge lodged against him, he told reporters at a national press conference Monday.

"In Louisiana you have to be man enough to take what you can when you can get it or nobody will respect you. Now, truly, I William Jefferson, can be the real first black president."

Jefferson was in the news last fall when Katrina was destroying much of New Orleans he insisted the National Guard call off rescue missions until he had time to go and get things in order at his home.

Jefferson was seen carrying out laptops, foil wrapped bundles and a large metal container he said contained the ashes of his dearly beloved great-great grandmother.

Still the debate about the FBI's Operation Cleanup is brewing up to be a Tempest in the Teapot as Congress is calling for investigation number 3,724.

"I've got to believe at the end of the day it's going to end up across the street at the Supreme Court," Boehner said. "And is it ever a mess over there."

In a written statement John Kerry D-Mass, said he is all in favor of Operation Cleanup and hopes the agents can find his misplaced Naval records that he promised to release.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

HILLARY CLINTON ANGERED OVER CASTRO'S WEALTH


NEW YORK/HAVANA--A unaimed source disclosed today that Senator Hillary Clinton D-N.Y., was extremely upset when she discovered this month's Forbes magazine reported that Fidel Castro's worth was in the area of $900 million.

Though Castro denied the report as backwash from a capitalist pig sewage lagoon and his, and we quote, "Monthly salary is only 900 Cuban pesos ($47) a month and his net worth is zero."

The Clinton wealth is just a little over 1 million dollars, which is not bad considering they came to the White House with no money and only a set of luggage from the Arkansas based Wal Mart.

"I taught him all I knew about cattle futures and land deals but I think he is holding out on me," Ms. Clinton said.

Castro was not as open as Clinton on how he garnered his extreme wealth but those close to Castro said he held a tight market on ‘53 Chevrolets and in order to acquire such, a peasant will have to sell his land, the first born and his burro.

In an extremely boring five hour speech Castro denied such wealth exists in Cuba and he has always been a role model for hunger and poverty.

Forbes reported that most of his holding are in overseas banks where bank presidents are offered the finest hand rolled cigars from Cuban tobacco,

Clinton said she often thought about investing in Cuban cigar futures but her husband Bill has been forbidden to have any cigars about the house.

"I realize that Castro has been in power since his leftist revolution in 1959 and we only started in 1992, but come on now, crunch the numbers, we should have at least $50 million of our constituents wealth by now" Clinton said

Castro has decreed that any Forbes Magazines in Cuba must be destroyed immediately or the reader of capitalist poppycock will be deported to Haiti, the only western hemisphere country poorer than Cuba.

"If they can prove that I have a bank account abroad, with $900 million, with $1 million, $500,000, $100,000 or $1 in it, I will resign," Castro said during his insipid four-hour broadcast.

Bill Clinton supposedly called Castro for an application blank for Premier of his country stating, "The old goat is going to die any day and heck, I can dig being ruler of a tropical island with all those dark skinned beauties."

An aide to Hillary announced she just might let him take the job but not to allow him a raft to come back on.

Monday, May 15, 2006

TED KENNEDY RENEWS THE FAMILY CURSE WHEN HIS PRIVATE JET CRASHES

BOSTON--Was the vanishing storm clouds coincidental or was there a dastardly Right Wing attempt on the life of a respected Democratic leader as sudden lightning bolts riveted his private jet, destroying the electronic navigational equipment.

With the radar showing clear skies, Ted Kennedy D-Ma, boarded his Cessna Citation 550 Saturday after giving a commencement address at the little known Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts in North Adams, a small burg in western Massachusetts known for its numerous taverns.

Twenty minutes after his jet took off approximately 13 bolts of lightning simultaneously struck his plane causing it to veer out off its flight plan and forcing the pilot to ditch the aircraft into a cow pasture where the Cessna ended up sinking into a deep river at the far end of the feild.

The Federal Aviation Administration filed a preliminary report yesterday concerning the numerous holes burned through the cockpit of the expensive jet but officials discovered much of the damage was due to exploding scotch bottles strewn around the passenger area.

Kennedy told news reporters that the skies were calm as his dear old mothers voice when suddenly the fires of hell itself opened up and blew the Cessna to the ground.

"The exploding Chivas Regal bottles were merely caused by a decompression in the passenger compartment, not as many would suspect, an excess of drinking aboard the plane," Kennedy said.

Several witnesses on the ground reported the clear skies suddenly darkened and a Heavenly finger shot what appeared to be bolts of lightening towards the private jet and just as quickly the clouds disappeared and the sun returned.

The curse of the Kennedy Family has been the discussion on numerous weekend news programs as the First Family of Disaster once again plastered the headlines of national papers with allegations of Patrick Kennedy's D–R.I.,drunk driving, recreational use of sleeping pills and lies to the American public.

Recent polls say 92 percent of Americans would refuse a ride in any vehicle by any Kennedy because of the so called Kennedy Curse.

"The idea of me drinking to an excess last weekend is preposterous. Nothing is further from the truth, it was a missile attack from Air Force 1, that nearly downed my jet." Kennedy said.

In a Sunday morning interview on Beat The Press, Kennedy attempted to described the secret Finger Missiles now being tested over civilian territory and how the Right Wing sector of our government has a price on his forehead.

The rest of the interview was incoherent as he rambled on about Nixon, the price of gas, alligators that are now attacking humans in large quantities and phone calls being monitored in the White House.

As of press time no female bodies have been found in the wreckage.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

RIGHTWING INK NEWS FOR MAY 2,2006

NUMEROUS VOTING PROBLEMS BEING REPORTED FROM HEAVILY DEMOCRATIC AREAS

CLEVELAND– The old fashioned punch ballot departed and the electronic age brought curses and angst to numerous people in Ohio as today's primary begins the dawn of a new era in voting technology.


The more sophisticated technology was mandated by the federal Help America Vote Act of 2002 after senior Florida voters elected President Bush by mistake, thinking instead they were casting votes for Harry S. Truman.

The touch screen and automatic scanning machines had presented a few problems in trial runs but the manufacture promised all the glitches would be repaired by voting day.

In several heavily Democratic areas of Cleveland reports have came in to RightWing News, Ink of seething voter displeasure and acts of violence towards the machines.

Numerous sites had reports of elderly election workers becoming confused at the computerized scanners causing them to return to their their cars and going back home, leaving the machines inoperable and unprotected.

Winford Furgybiter of Cleveland's West side told reporters he became disoriented from filling in circles with ink so the ballot could be scanned that he passed out and now fears he may have voted for Kenneth Blackwell by mistake.

Blackwell is the ultra-conservative governor nominee on the Republican ticket who looks like an African-American but doesn't hold to the values of the angry left.

On stately east side suburb of Shaker Heights officials said Marc A. Fenster was arrested after he knocked over two voting machines worth $2,700 each in a fit of rage and was charged with disorderly conduct and willful destruction of government property.

Another Democratic voter became angry when he could not find chads laying on the floor after the computer scanned his ballot and called Democratic lawyers who were on standby in numerous locations.

The Most Reverend Jesse Jackson, in a photo opportunity with Jimmy Carter, has ordered a recall of all the machines saying they scare all old people no matter if they are white, rainbow or of color.

Jackson said the machines favor the Republicans but would not tell reporters what he meant by the allegations.

Republican officials received e-mails from Jackson's office claiming the, and we quote "The wachamadinger that you insert into the whachyamacallit part of the computer to make them work are rigged and we want an immediate investigation."

One disgruntled voter who wished to remain anonymous said the scanner only let him insert the ballot into the computer once and he missed the good old days when a person could stuff the ballot boxes as long as he wished.

Reports of voter problems were nonexistent in conservative districts around Ohio.

Akron officials report numerous calls of rioting, looting, cutting off ears and voters attaching electrical wires to their genitals.