Settle in, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy your stay here at Shelly's. The pie is great, the coffee pot is always on and soon you will find this to be the best place in town. SOON TO BE AMERICA'S MOST READ BLOG

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF CARTER EDWARDS: PART DEUX-- CARTER BECOMES A BUSINESS TYCOON



Part Deux


The clock struck high noon at the McComb County Courthouse as Carter steered his water-logged Buick into Bruford. After locating what seemed to be an ideal spot to start a poultry business, he parked the Carter's Fresh Turkeys, Inc vehicle, set up a paste board sign announcing fresh turkeys for sale and waited for customers to, excuse the wording, flock to his market

The crisp morning air soon gave away to autumn warmth as the sun poked through the valley fog. The afternoon temperatures climbed into the 60's, causing the crushed ice in the back seat to melt faster than Carter anticipated. The murky water flowed out the door, onto the warm pavement, then slowly formed a stream heading towards town square. A large swarm of flies found sudden delight in the crimson creek.

Carter sold two turkeys right off the bat. This he thought, had to be the big payoff he waited for all his life. Sixteen more sales and he could return to the poultry plant and repeat this transaction until every soul in Bruford had their Thanksgiving turkey–not just a turkey but a genuine Carter Edwards' Inc. Fresh Turkey. Within the hour he sold three more turkeys and the Crosby Diner, the home of his wayward-one-time–hoped-for girlfriend, bought four. Nine more to go, Carter thought, with a comforting sigh, as the warm afternoon sun made his eyes feel a little heavy. Nine more to go.

Carter jerked when he suddenly heard steps walking up from behind. There was a familiar sound to those steps, worse yet, a recognizable voice complaining about some jerk who parked a foul smellin' car on the street causing his Blue Tick hound to have nasaler type fits. That voice caused fear to run through his blood. He jumped from the seat of the Buick to confirm his suspicions. There stood gramps, leaning on his old hickory cane, eye to eye with Carter. Gramps greeted his grandson with an unmerciful whack across the legs. Carter fell to the ground in tormented pain.

"You stupid moron," Gramps yelled in his quaking elderly voice. "Why you ain't no smarter than your no account pa. Look at this mess you're a makin'. And where in tarnation did ya git that barge your drivin, what makes ya think ya got money ‘nuff to own the likes of that–why your probably breakin' your ma's heart actin like this."

"Well gee," Carter responded, "I only tried...."

"Shut up," Gramps yelled, as he took another swing at his grandson and hit the door of the Buick, causing it to fly open, allowing a deluge of water to cascade out. "Now get off the ground and stand up. Act like an Edwards, not like some kinda weasel. Stand up I said."

Carter grabbed the half-opened car door and pulled himself up, though he swore both legs were broke.

Gramps looked about at the mess. "Now the way I sees things, you must ah spent a king's ransom on these turkeys. Where did ya git that kind of money," he asked squinting at Carter through one eye and still threatening to wallop him with the hickory cane.

Before Carter could answer a crowd gathered about, taunting him to clobber the old man. A circus atmosphere surrounded the area as town folks placed bets on who was going to win this fight. Suddenly Eb Victor pushed into the throng and asked what in the world the commotion was about. Eb held the pastorate at the Bruford Church of Attempted Redemption.

Gramps took over the conversation. "I'm jist tryin' to beat some sense into this youngen', why jist look at this here mess he's ah makin. And besides, he ain't tellin' where he got the money to be buyin' all these turkeys.".

Eb looked at Carter with compassion. "Why he's just trying to make something out of his worthless existence here on earth. All God's children deserve at least once chance. Who knows, maybe selling turkeys will give this poor lost dreg at least a half of a chance of making it out of his miserable existence. Go ahead son, tell your poor confused old grandpa how you earned the money to invest in poultry futures."

"Come on son, git a talkin and tell me now where ya got the money and this better be good or I'll wail on ya until ya see stars," Gramps yelled, as he took another swing at Carter with his cane.

"Well," Carter spoke with his eyes looking to the ground. "I, I, well, I pawned off your Studebaker. But I'm gonna pay it back as soon."

"You what," yelled Gramps. "You pawned off my pickup. Why you no account son of a......"

Gramps lifted his cane to administer the coup' de grace when Pastor Eb wrestled it from his wiry old arms.

"Please, please now," Eb said. I'll show you compassion, as the angry clergyman set out to beat Carter within an inch of his life.

"Steal your poor ol' grandpa's Studebaker will ya. I take back all my kind words you wicked heathen, now take that."

One could hear the wind being sucked behind the blow of the hickory cane as Carter jumped up and took flight down the main street of Bruford. Onlookers grabbed rocks, cans or anything else they could find and started pelting him. It became obvious that Carters Fresh Turkeys, Inc was all washed up. Looters claimed the remaining nine turkeys then rolled his Buick Electra over and torched it. Sirens could be heard from all corners of town as emergency vehicles came roaring to the scene.


The angry destruction of his life started looking like a black and white James Cagney movie, complete with thugs, villains, cops and police cruisers. Carter now found himself backed into a dead-end alley. Officer Thompson of the Bruford Police Department threw him to the ground and handcuffed him. Carter now started to convulse and thrash himself around as Officer Thompson kept shaking him harder and harder.

"Wake up Carter, hey wake up buddy. Man what's wrong with you"

Carter flew out of the seat of his car screaming. Sweat poured off his forehead.

"Gosh, I must have fallen asleep. Where's Gramps?"

"Who?"

Gramps, he was just here, I what, I mean he was just here beating on me, wasn't he?"

"Now look here Carter, I don't know anything about your grandpa but you can't be sellin' these turkeys without a health license and I'm sure you don't have one," Officer Thompson said. "Besides look at the mess you're making with all these bloody flies, now scram."

Carter jumped into his water soaked Buick and drove to the edge of town and turned the pasteboard sign around and scribbled, "Turkeys half price, must sell quickly." Curious drivers pulled over and soon he sold the rest of his inventory for what he had into it, except the last three where he took a rather bad beating because all the local dogs came sniffing around and it was time to sell and get it.

As the story winds down we find Carter at Honest Jake's Swap Shop paying back his debts and quickly stuffing the title to gramp's Studebaker truck into his jacket. After a hard day of selling and beating off his imaginary nemesis (or was it imaginary) he came out with ten dollars which he used for gas.


As Carter pulled down into his driveway his car coughed and died. Hard to say if the gas tank was empty or the engine seized up, but for the moment the huge Buick Electra had given up the ghost. Carter slammed the door, went into the house to get the family shotgun and find the turkey that started the whole mess.

As for the car, it sat there for quite a long spell, which is okay because in Carter's world, nobody is going nowhere anyhow.


Happy Thanksgiving.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF CARTER EDWARDS: CHAPTER ONE CARTER BECOMES A BUSINESS TYCOON

I hope you, the reading audience remember Carter Edwards, our young man who seems to lose every battle his life encounters. Other Carter stories are in the files on 6/18 and 8/13.

For a young man whose name would never be found amongst the pages of "Who's Who Of Lucky People," Carter Edwards seemed to be on a roll. A month had passed since he acquired the giant hulk of a ‘72 Buick Electra from Webster McCarver. Much to everyone's dismay the enormous barge still ran. Carter, it seemed, never owned a car with a life expectancy over three or four days. With this Buick he discovered his own personal Nirvana.

The term "running" to folks about town had implications of exaggerations, but for Carter, making it up the driveway meant the car held promise–case closed. As of this day an inventory of missing parts from the date of purchase included one half of an exhaust system, a vent window, one headlight and a wheel cover. Whereas the car came equipped with dual exhaust, the Buick was only half as deafening as it could be. Other parts mysteriously seemed to come and go with no logical explanation.

Carter soon discovered owning a 455 cubic inch premium gas guzzling battleship came with a price–one he could scarcely afford. If this car continued to crawl up the driveway then Carter would have to undertake a new outlook on his life and find secure employment. Jobs were scarce in McComb county and the cards were stacked against him. You see, in order to stay regularly employed at the town's only good paying job at the Avalon Mill, one would work until huntin' season came about at which time he would lend his job to a kin, then after the season was over, the kin left and one would take his job back. This rollover continued throughout the year.

Folks like the Edwards never had relatives take employment serious, so chanceS of finding work was about as slim as a dime. Gramps once had a job Jeronsville keeping the schools furnace stoked, but early one morning he stoked a little to hard and burned the school down. The village never rebuilt the school. Fortunately the Mason jar containing his beverage went up with the flames and gramps never again held another legal job.

Pa too had a job in his late teens drivin' hootch for a bootlegger. That's how he made enough money to acquire the Edwards' homestead. After his ‘52 Ford coupe ran into Elmer Klauss's chicken truck around the notorious sharp bend on the North Highway, breaking pa's leg and messing up his shootin' arm, he never ran the Mason Jar Highway again. Ma had about 12 kids best she could recall, so a job never crossed her mind. So as you can see, gainful employment is a word never brought up in conversation around the Edwards' household.

With no scrap metal left to sell, Carter started to contemplate ways to keep gas in his Buick. Selling Gramp's Studebaker pickup came to mind, but rumors over in Bruford said Gramps had been spotted at the Sheriff station trying to convince them his blue-tick hound had been abducted by aliens. Pa thought someday the family oughta go see if they could go find gramps around town, but nobody really took the initiative to do so.

Carter sat on the front steps of their small shack that chilly November morning watching a few brave squirrels who overstepped the safety of the woods. His mind remained out of commision towards solving the mystery of landing a job. Carter could only process four steps in his mind–car, gas, job and girls, all three were needed and soon.

As he sat there plunking rocks off the tin roof of the wood shed, a wild turkey flew up from the thick brush surrounding their homestead. Carter bolted for the door to get the family shotgun when he suddenly stopped in his tracks as smitten by divine lightning.

"Turkeys, he thought. "It's purteneer turkey eatin' time, dagnabit. I know town folks will be wantin turkeys. I'll run over to Jaronsville and buy me a load of them turkeys, sell ‘em, take the money and buy me some more until I get everyone sold with turkeys."

With inspiration bitting at his heels, Carter ran over to gramp's tool shed, grabbed a can of red paint and carefully wrote out "Carters Fresh Turkeys, Inc,. on both doors of his Buick. He had no idea what Inc meant, but the Avalon Mill trucks had it on their door and by gosh, he to would have it.

In order to scratch up a little operating capital, Carter scrounged up everything of value he could find in gramp's tool shed plus a few treasures of his own and made a journey to Honest Jakes Pawn Shop in Bruford. Once there he laid down a hand saw, two chisels, his own transistor radio, an eight track player, a complete collection of Gene Pitney albums plus three Civil War heros carved from Ash wood. To complete his exchange he bravely laid down the title to his grandpas' Studebaker truck.

"Are you sure you want to pawn your grandpa's truck, young Mr Edwards," Jake asked cautiously. "You know what a beatin he will give yo if he ever found ought don't cha." Truth be known, Jake was afraid of gramps as much as his own grandson was.

Carter nervously took the crisp $100 bill plus the two fifties and headed for Jeronsville to invest gramps' Studebaker in his future and present business venture. Even the Buick seemed to run smoother than ever. Yes, Carter had a dream and the dream was coming into sight rather quickly.

A smell akin to rotten sweat socks from the 150,00 or so turkeys residing in or around Jeronsville reminded travelers this was turkey country. To Carter the retched odor smelled like money. He pulled into the ButterBody Turkey number 16 plant, walked up to the office with his wad of cash in hand and told the secretary he wanted as much Turkey as this money will buy.

The secretary looked at Carter who by now had the continence of a ghost. She took the money from his shaking hand, counted it out and asked if he wanted fresh, frozen, smoked, turkey hams, breasts or gourmet flavored.

"Well you know, Thanksgiving turkeys," Carter said.

"Yes sir," she retorted. "Fresh or frozen?"

"Which is cheaper?"

"Fresh"

"Then that's what I want."

About five minutes later a man with a blood splattered apron brought out 18 turkeys in cardboard cases.

"Where you all want these, Bubba?"

Carter looked in amazement. "What only 18 turkeys?"

"Well you should have only gotten 10 turkeys, but since you are such a high rollin' customer we threw in a free case," the worker said sarcastically. "Now where you want them son."

"In the Buick back yonder, put them in the back."

"Y'all got ice for these guys. Ya got to ice ‘em down ya know."

Carter shook his head no. The worker gave out a loud whistle and a short, rather stout worker came out with a cart of chipped ice. The worker then grabbed his shovel and proceeded to throw ice in Carter's back seat.

"Hey what are you doing," Carter yelled.

"It's the law kid. Y'all don't like it, tell the governor."

After filling up the back seat, the little stout worker turned around and wheeled the cart away. Carter jumped in his ‘72 Buick Electra business coupe and headed for Bruford. He was now in the poultry business.


TO BE CONTINUED

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

PELOSI CALLS ON THE WORLD TO PRACTICE PEACE SAN FRANCISCO STYLE


With just a few hours after the announcement of the Democrats taking both House and Senate in a surprising victory that stunned both the nation and the world, death and destruction continues.


Nancy Pelosi, speaker-wanna-be, announced in a press conference today, complete with gaiety, from her podium hidden somewhere below the Golden Gate, there will be no more death due to American influence anywhere on the globe or in outer space.

An aide to Ms Pelosi, Benji Dogma and Sprinkles Sunshine McBeemer, who are the same person with split personalities, have been commissioned to create peace where no peace has existed by using positive American influences.

"We live in a world where America has long created home schooled terrorist because we want to change cultures," Pelosi said. "If Moslems want Burkas, then we should start a Burka For Peace program, instead of sending troops and creating an atmosphere for insurgents to blow us up."

Pelosi went on to explain that San Francisco has much to offer the Eastern cultures like chocolate, coffee and male pornography.

"Hey, if they try what we can offer them then we can show them how to make money on theaters, show tunes, museums and bath houses, and forget about oil which has been something the Bushies just love to go to war over," Pelosi added.

San Francisco is the worlds largest exporter of All American Girlie Boy material second only to darn tough women, which the Bay Area desires not to elevate at this time.

"The days of bad karma, angry terrorists and world domination by America is finished as the beautiful people showed us yesterday at the voting booths. Kiss, kiss and you know you're gonna love me." Pelosi said, as she made her grand wide-eyed exit of the stage.

Meanwhile, Hamas leaders vowed to retaliate with force against a deadly Israeli strike which killed at least 18 Palestinian civilians in the Gaza Strip this morning, a suicide bomber killed at least 35 soldiers at an army base in northwest Pakistan on Wednesday in an attack officials said was likely revenge for a missile strike against an al-Qaeda training camp, and Sri Lankan forces bombarded rebels with artillery on Wednesday hit a school where scores of civilians had taken refuge from the fighting, killing at least 45 Tamils and wounding 125 others in the country's east.

It is also likely North Korea has missiles pointed towards the U.S. and Cleveland, governed by Democrats, as of today, is the poorest and one of the most dangerous city in America.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

HOMELAND SECURITY DECLARES NO ELECTION RESULTS UNTIL THURSDAY OR LATER


President George Bush announced today from the snow covered White House Rose Garden that an emergency overnight congressional session was held this weekend to pass a law delaying election results until calm prevails across the nation.


Election officials from nearly all 50 states agreed the televised ads have created a hostile and unsafe environment for voters and booth workers alike.

"It is sad to see what the other party has created over the last few weeks and we are nearly in the rungs of civil war, therefore, by the War Powers Act and Homeland Security Act, I have taken necessary action to ensure a safe and peaceful Tuesday," President Bush said earlier today..

Scattered reports from across the nation have poured into local police stations of pillaging, overturning of cars in backyards of Appalachian states, teenagers shoplifting in malls, pot smoking, angry mothers hoarding milk and baby food plus other physical crimes such as televisions being tossed from windows of houses and passing cars.

The president urged Americans to get up, vote early and take the children to McDonalds and forget the escalating violence being perpetrated across the nation by mobs of angry politicians.

"These people (Democrats) have organized themselves rather well with hostile words and November surprises of mass destruction and we have seen Emergency Rooms across our lands becoming overwhelmed, where many have died from lack of oxygen due to uncontrollable shouting and refusing to take time to inhale," said Evans Jibbersly, spokesman for the Northern Ohio Chapter of Political Relaxation.

"Everything will have a chance to cool down if we just take a few days to think about what we did at the polls and be proud of it," Jibbersly said. You will feel better, your neighbor will feel better and America will feel better. Think of it as a group hug.

As the president was ready to step away from the podium he parted with a quote from Abraham Lincoln,

"Fellow-citizens, we cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration, will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance, or insignificance, can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass, will light us down, in honor or dishonor, to the latest generation."


"Smile, be happy and vote. God bless you all," Bush said, as a flurry of reporters yelled at the president as he withdrew to the White House

Thursday, November 02, 2006

SENATOR KERRY FIGHTING HOOF AND MOUTH DISEASE


Officials within Senator John Kerry's (D-Mass) organization announced today following his political guffaw this week, that caused a major chasm to be carved into the Democratic party, that the wounded political leader opted for rehab.


Kerry's sokesperson, Angus Bullflinger, confirmed rumors the senator followed the lead of several other unnamed political and religious figures who fell from grace and saw rehab as a quick fix.

Reports had been flying about Boston that Kerry secretly entered the Rodney Dangerfield Hospital for Disorientated Joke Tellers at the now famous Dangerfield's on First Avenue in Manhattan yesterday morning.

Because of the privacy act, his treatment plan has remained undisclosed but pamphlets found lying about in the nightclub state the idea behind Hospital is, "To offer idiots, slow thinkers and other people with the knack of disrespecting the general public, a 24 hour crash course of quick wit, smart thinking and a general hope idiots can be transformed into decent citizens."

"We know Kerry's stoic personality has often caused people to misunderstand his deep thoughts, but in truth he is a barrel of laughs once you get to know him," Bullflinger told reporters. "What this is all about is cracking the egg shell veneer that encrusts the senator."

Kerry's office expects him to be released sometime today.


UPDATE: NOVEMBER 2, 10:06 a.m. NEW YORK


John Kerry was released early this morning from The Rodney Dangerfield Hospital for Disorientated Joke Tellers, smiling at fans and supporters as he entered his official "New Man Car," which resembles a 1960 Fiat that clowns once used in circus acts.

This amazing change in personality has stunned his fans who had grown accustom to his dry wit and high minded thinking.

Reporters on site say the tall, handsome figure raised the pitch of his voice four octaves and now sounds like a teenager inhaling helium.

After returning to his office at his Cape Cod home, Kerry gave a quick interview which the Senator started out saying, "I never get any respect. My wife asked me to take her someplace new where she's never been before and I took her to the kitchen," at which time his partner in life, Teresa Heinz, pushed a large bookshelf on top of his now limp body.

No word has been released from his office on whether or not Kerry shall re-enter rehab.