Settle in, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy your stay here at Shelly's. The pie is great, the coffee pot is always on and soon you will find this to be the best place in town. SOON TO BE AMERICA'S MOST READ BLOG

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Ginsberg Shreds Her Robes and Resigns As Justice



Washington D.C.

After Samuel Alito’s smooth 58 to 42 victory in the Senate today, Ruth Bader Ginsburg ripped off her robe, then angrily denounced the admission of, "A racist male who believes in rusty coat hangers for women, bull whips for African-Americans and refused admissions for young gays to the Boy Scouts."

Ginsberg, who was watching the proceedings from the Kennedy Room of The Sunken Car Bar in Bethesda, Maryland, said this was America’s most lamentable moment in the 73 years she has walked the earth.

With a heavy heart Ginsberg walked down the worn red carpet full of cigar scorch marks towards the podium, and with her trademark black dress, silk scarf and tight buns, in her hair, she looked at the defeated crowd with words of that of a woman who once held the court in awe.

"I carefully examined the New Testament and can relate to how grieved the rulers of Israel became when that Jesus of Nazareth guy said he was their new leader," Ginsberg told reporters. "When they saw the course of history changing before their eyes, they renteth their garments, and shall so I."

Alito carried the notorious red states of middle America where values have been spoon fed to them for generations, while the blue states carefully reasoned with their intellect and voted strongly against the New Jersey lawyer.

While hugging the portrait of the first black Jewish president, William Jefferson Clinton and wiping tears from her eyes, Ginsberg vowed she will resign her position as Supreme Court Judge this afternoon.

"I am going to partner up with my son who is struggling in the recording business," Ginsberg said. "His music choices have been magnificent, but for whatever reason, the public hasn’t noticed his talents."

Last week Ginsberg’s son, Allen, signed Janet Reno to a new recording contract after her wildly acclaimed musical debut.

Reno’s blusey rendition of Aritha Franklin’s Respect and Billy Holiday’s, God Bless’ The Child, brought a standing ovation last week on the very stage Ginsberg angrily ripped off her robe and announced her resignation.

In the Billboard charts, Reno's number one hit as of today is Ode To Billy Joe.

Shreds of Ginsberg's robe will be posted on e-bay.

President Bush in a written correspondence to Ginsberg said, "Her jovial laughter and tight hairdo will be missed. Good luck and please wait for about five years before releasing another one of those dreadful New York Times best sellers."


"The time has come and with heavy heart I can only hope to see each and every one of you in the trenches of liberal warfare," Ginsberg said, as she laid down the mike and silently left the stage minus her black robe.

There is no word yet from the White House of another possible replacement.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Mouse Once Feared To Be Extinct May Save Kennedy Memorial

Los Angeles

A small rodent may save the crumbling Ambassador Hotel from certain destruction, the Kennedy family announced Thursday at a sparsely packed news conference attended by Diane Keaton, who has often pleaded with city officials not to destroy the building.

The Los Angeles sight of Robert F. Kennedy’s assassination has fallen pray to urban decay, allowing strip clubs, drug dealers and illegal migrant worker’s flea markets to prosper over the last several years.

Kennedy was assassinated while roaming the pantry after midnight by Sirhan Bishara Sirhan, a 25-year-old Palestinian immigrant.

A family spokesman said there has been great concern that a threat to build a public school on the grounds may somehow destroy the solemn reminder of the tragedy that took place there sometime in the last century.

"The 60's did not bode well for our family," Ted Kennedy said, as he fell from the podium.

A recent discovery shadowed by controversy may save the crumbling building from certain demolition.

A drug user, known only by Rat Man, has been training acrobatic mice to perform on street corners during the cover of darkness, when traffic is highest along the fenced in-garbage strewn hotel compound where drug starved hookers congregate.

When a PETA volunteer drove downtown to check out rumors the rodents were working for sub-standard wages, they discovered the mice to be the rare Preble’s meadow jumping mice that recently shut down the Bush Administration's efforts to develop homes, mines, airports, hospitals and any other development sutuble for human habitation in the western section of United States.

The Preble’s meadow mouse was thought to be extinct because Red Tailed Hawks would easily swoop down on the mice every time the little critters jumped into the air.

Biologists say some of the mice have been known to use their powerful tail and hind legs to lift them aloft three feet into the air, causing them to become a flying meal.

The bearded Rat Man, who often sat on the corner with a towel wrapped around his loins and a Christmas wreath over his snarly, greasy hair, has certain apprehensions about the Interior Department marking the roach infested building as a historical site.

"Man this dig, ya dig, is my home and when the mother ship comes they may not recognize my digs, ya dig," Rat Man said, during the press conference.

The Kennedy family has feared the battered equipment in the hotel pantry would end up on e-bay along with the fenders, bumpers, seat cushions and hanging dice salvaged from Ted Kennedy’s car.

"We want our family to be remembered as heroes that saved our nation from the encroachment of conservatives like Barry Goldwater from Arizona or someplace or other," Ted Kennedy said, waving a picture of a 1959 family reunion where the face of Jacqueline Kennedy had been removed with an Exacto Knife.

A biologist from the Los Angeles Zoo said the Preble’s mouse has never been known to exist in the LA Basin and has likely been captured in southern Colorado and planted there to save the structure.

Ted Kennedy said that was asinine and reminiscent of hate speech, the likes not heard since George Bush said he hated colored folks and hoped they would all drown in New Orleans as Katrina swept towards their city.

Kennedy also added, as he was passing out, the nominating vote for Alito should be postponed for 30 days so pregnant women could hurry and get their abortions and also called for a ban on the sale of coat hangers at Wal-Mart.

Diane Keaton was escorted off the hotel property by security guards after the conference when she errected a tent and promised an aide of hers would sleep there until the murderous Bush family rebuilds the hotel and removes the troops from Iran.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Still Learnin' After All These Years

Over the past week or so I busied myself writing satire. Sometimes I need to lift my soul from the dark side and bring rays of sunshine to my readers (ya right). This is an article published numerous times, no politics, no sarcasm. Just fun.

Just a few weeks ago a brilliant thought flashed through my head. Believe it or not, upon occasion I am prone to great thoughts. Trouble is when great thoughts come knocking on my front door I am nowhere to be found.

This fleeting thought pertained to a passage from Robert Fulghum's book, "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten."

The book, at one time, could be found in my personal library, so the elusive paperback should have been right at my fingertips, but it wasn't. Still I have a few recollections of the substance of the book so let us go back and reflect on Fulghum's basic points of kindness.

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say your sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life-learn some, think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and everyday work some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

I never went to kindergarten and thank God they never had day care in post-war America. Being deprived of all that early intervention pablum, I still managed to learn a thing or two, after all, a considerable amount of Iowa farm girls went on to be great and famous people--I just can't recall anyone at this moment.

Still, there is more to life than warm cookies and cold milk. It took several bumps on the road of life to learn the principals of survival and gain such great wisdom, so when I finally compose a book it will be entitled, "A Couple of Things I Happen To Figure Out One Day and Since I Had A Pencil On Me I Thought Perhaps I would Write Them Down."

The following are a few deep meaningful insights I have found to be of great significance:
Money is of little value if you don't have any.
God forgives, people don't.
If you go to see just one movie this year, I bet it will turn out to be lousy.
Be kind to everyone you meet. They may kick you in the shins, but you can limp down the path of righteousness.
When you live in a small town, don't talk about people, everyone is related.
Don't move to a small town because if you are not related to anyone, everyone talks about you.
If you own anything, give it away. If not someone will tax it, take it or both.
Don't play the lottery because you will never win, but if you do, I travel well.
Laugh at your bosses jokes.
Don't laugh at your boss.
Never chew Copenhagen.
Never kiss a man who chews Copenhagen.
Never kiss a girl who chews Copenhagen.
Never look over your shoulder because the Grim Reaper will make eye contact.
Placing your finger in a light socket to see if it is working is a very stupid act.
Don't take any wooden nickels but grab all the twenties you can.
Never start anything you can't finish.
Never open a bottle of wine.

There are many more nuggets of wisdom firmly ensconced in my head, but if I give them all away I will never sell my book and get on Oprah.

Other books my agent has shown interest in are, "Chicken Soup for the Stomach," and "Everything You Wanted To Know About Poverty But Were Afraid to Ask." I'm working on "MS for Dummies."

Perhaps you think my views on life are a bit odd. You are right. Remember, I never went to kindergarten so the concept of not playing in traffic alludes me and I do recall slugging a few nincompoops along the way.
I agree napping is heaven sent. An afternoon nap is almost better than chocolate. The idea of sharing everything is great, but just why does everyone share my stuff. As far as washing hands before eating, you provide the food and I'll bring the soap.

Now that is the way I see life, being my days behind me are greater than the days ahead. Now it is time to dance some, sing some, and just where did I place them warm cookies.

Monday, January 23, 2006

A New Day Has Dawned

Tonight I tip my hat to the great inventor
of the World Wide Web, Mr Algore.

Without his great insight and vision this blog would never have come to being. That is all the credit this site will ever give him, so worry not my dear friends this blog is not another cry baby depository.

Just what is my vision for Shelly's Cafe? The word cafe meaning "many" will be just that, a collection of old and new stories that have allowed a little laughter to come into the lives of those who have read my stories over the years in various outlets.

My thanks go to the great Scott Ott who pushed me from the Scrapple nest and all the readers and appluaders within the wonderful site.