Settle in, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy your stay here at Shelly's. The pie is great, the coffee pot is always on and soon you will find this to be the best place in town. SOON TO BE AMERICA'S MOST READ BLOG

Saturday, December 30, 2006

A HOLIDAY GREETING FROM AUNT SARAH AND UNCLE WILLY


Some of our new readers may not know Aunt Sarah. She has been a faithful reader for many years but has sadly gotten busy and ignored us for a while. Her wit and husbands down home political insight has always amazed us



Dear Friens


I shur be haten to admit that it ben quite a long tim since I writ folks at Scrappleville and after the poleece came nockin on our door here bout a few weeks ago lookin for Ms, well I be thinkin just how we lost tuch with yall.

We spent a little time on the telerphone with the Edwards family talkin bout politics and such, beein pa knows bout much as any man here in Hindsville. They have a son Carter ya heard Shelly tell bout him at her cafe. It suddenly like hit me that Edwards folks had a son named Carter and we had a good kick bout that. Thing is the Edwards we know ain't got near as much hair and Carter doesnt know Israel from a peanut. But that is just like the other Carter to.

I keep readin bout that boy at the cafe place and figured a trip to Arkysaw wood do him a rat bit of good but the train don't run by here and I reckon he ain't got no car ta make it no wear nears. Pa sed we sure could use a place like Shellys here bouts, git some good yarnen goin for sure

So what me and pa been doin all these here days since? I be delited to tell ya now that pa been crowin all bout town. We sold the back 10 acers to a goverment experimenten place that studies a thing called glober warmering. Seemed like Clinton owed some money or somptin to Al Gore and insteed got him a grant to build this building full of imsterments of doo dads and sence they didnt want no onlookers starin about we sold them the only rode back thar.

Seence that day bout a yeer now pa had his hands full pullin gags and messen with them folks by paintin there windows with cyclone clouds, putting chicken droppins near there methain chekers and one day he set an ol dead mule with the bloat roun back where they check on air cwality here in Arkysaw.

One goverment man sed if things don't git better that chicken farmin will hafe ta go and Walmarts will buy up everthin insted and bein the folks here bout depens on chickens to pay thar rent we decided the mule had ta go.

We sold the Studebaker pikup to Jake Wildahan down in Gypsum Furnace last fall since parts were hard ta come by and be'en broken down ment no visitin and for pa, worse yet no goen ta Interational House of Pancakes. Pa found himself an old Dodge pickup over in Myrtle Ridge and though it were just a 65 model the tars all match up pretty well. My daughter that works for Arkysaw Bell, you know the one that got a job as a call girl, came by one day to drop off our granchild and pa put her back on the bus and sent her back to Little Rock. He didn like the childs big city ways cuz the kid was 12 and had no idear bout gettin wedded up anytam soon. Pa sed he didn wanna be supportin any old maids

We got a Christmas card from New York City. Seems since we own all this goverment area property all them politishuns thinks we are sumptin speshal. Hillary and that husbnd of hers sed they were wishin us the best and thinking bout us. Pa didn sleep for a week sittin on top of his Dodge waiten fer Bill but I finnly convinced him that probably at lest a hunderd others got that same card.

We got a new roof fer our house with the goberment money but pa really wanted a double wide but I told him I just couldnt move out of the old place since all are memries are here. We been thinkin hard bout pulling the barn back up from the slu also. Been down thar since the big flood 2 years back.

Well that's bout all ceptin our last visit up ta Fayetteville last wek to the Interational House of Cakes. Pa had his try at the latest speshal though I warned him better. It was called the New Deal Deal. Seems like it were to be steak and eggs but all we saw was pork and the more ya paid fer the less ya got. Pa were fit ta be tied and the waitress as uzual had a good laugh but filled him up with Buckwheat cakes now pa is rat happy.

He stopped over cross the street to se if theys were any of them highly polished educators hanging at the university but theys all home for Christmas. He brout home a protestor a few weeks back who sed things were deplorabe in Iraq but after stayin here a few days he sorta changed his mind and thought maybe things over there might be a bit better than here. Pa laughed and sed it worked evertime.

With all our love from wonderfull Arkysaw
Aunt Sarah and Uncle Willie

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Welcome To The 2006 Eating Olympics

Oh my dear readers, so many holiday stories that never made it to the pages of Shelly's. I may need to do catch-up way into January. sigh. But here we go--up and at 'em


Did I hear the word "misery," emanate from one's vocabulary? Ah yes, welcome to the 2006 Eating Olympics where contestants from all across America once again gather in homes to show the world we are not gastronomical wimps. This year's kick off started November and will end somewhere after the Orthodox Christmas in January.


Many of you who entered the Holiday Open with little or no training for this event are probably lying on the floor this morning holding your cramping stomachs wishing you had not partaken in the final 5 Meter Table Relays. That leg of turkey, hunk of ham, plate of cranberries, piece of pie, dish of applesauce and other multiple culinary delights our grubby little hands could grab onto has now separated the professionals from the amateurs.

The first sitting at the Thanksgiving table would have sufficed for most wanna-be contestants. The second helping, well, heck, it was a food orientated holiday, but those who made the round for the third time, guess you just thought you had would it took, huh. Come on folks, admit it, you surpassed last's years record so far by 135 grams of fat plus an additional 45 grams of sodium. For goodness sake, what where you thinking of. If you are going for the Holiday Gold, you better whip yourself into shape first.

Sure, there are some of you readers in Eating Olympic denial and can call out carb numbers like batting averages, but just look at your shopping list–sugar, chocolate chips, pecans, whipped topping, Crisco™, potato chips, sugar sprinkles, deep frying oil, butter, ham, pie filling, peanuts, cashews, corn syrup, wine, beer, Fluff™, pretzels with extra salt, more butter and oh yes, make that a 25 pound bag of sugar. Oh, and don't forget the caramels and while you are at it grab another pound of butter, just in case.

Walking through the store I notice the "novice," participant buying fresh fruit and veggies to camouflage calorie laden necessities. My advice to you weenies is this–if you are going to be a winner, look like a winner. Strut your stuff and don't be intimidated. Lift that bag of sugar, heave them hams and load up that cart with a sense of pride and purpose. Go for the taco chips, after all, you are an American, by God.

Yes folks, the 2006 Eating Olympics have begun and the Food Network is signed on for the World Finals. Truck load after truck load of work out supplies have been dropped off at favorite supermarkets and big case stores near you. Just like those dangerous fat robbing gyms, your local purveyor of calories has Muzak to better psych your mind. Songs like, "Tis the season to pack the pounds on, fa la la la la la la, will glide you through the toughest of obstacles.

For those who never made the grade in previous events here are a few secrets. First, it is not just the food. We have other means to hit our goal on the Holiday Plunge to the Pounds, like television entertainment. You got it, all our favorites return to the new exciting world of digital High-Def. Now how many times have you seen, "It's a Wonderful Life?" One more time will never hurt our training regimen–as a matter of fact, it will fit right in. So grab another bowl of buttered popcorn and sink down into that oh so, comfy couch. And hey aren't all the bowl games about to be aired! Tired of television, then go to the theater for all the new Christmas releases.

All right, you say, I'm hip to the waistline expansion program. So you run to the movies and hit the video stores with stacks of your all time favorites like Home Alone and Christmas Story, but you start sweating with horrid thoughts of mall shopping. True, it can be a calorie burner with all that walking. Give yourself a break. It is safer than you think. Just find the Otis Cookie counter, wash it down with a Coffee Castle double whipped café Ole and just watch your timing so you can hit the Double Cheeseburger Court before you are tempted to go home and nibble baked chicken and steamed broccoli.

Be judicious at this point. Fatigue can easily set in, so watch for that multiplex theater near the mall. You know there has to be at least one more movie you haven't seen, plus you been meaning to get that gift card for Uncle Seymour anyhow. Remember, the extra large barrel of popcorn has free refills and that salt, man how it makes us thirsty. You see, a good workout is really quite simple.

Alright, so you have been following my advice so far and you're one of a million Americans that keeps Alka Seltzer™ on tap. I bet there are more opportunities you have overlooked to set a new personal best. Have you looked at your Day Runner? Count them, one, two, three, ah five Christmas parties and those are just the office bashes. You can't forget the family get together and if you are married you can multiply that by two. Oh, feel that waist line begin to tighten–ya baby, you can do it!

Just remember this gastronomic event is the decathlon. If you are not ready, stay with the 40 calorie sprint or the low fat hurdles until you reach peak performance. For optimum results insert words like stationary and stagnant into your conversation. A little prep will eliminate the morning stomach cramps so focus, focus, focus. You are never alone. Find a work out partner and go for the Gold!!!