Settle in, grab a cup of coffee and enjoy your stay here at Shelly's. The pie is great, the coffee pot is always on and soon you will find this to be the best place in town. SOON TO BE AMERICA'S MOST READ BLOG

Friday, April 28, 2006

PRICE OF HYDROGEN GAS STARTING TO SOAR

LINCOLN,NEB–It started to look good for America's automotive future with plans for abundant amounts of clean cheap fuel but that may no longer be the case according to industry leaders meeting this weekend in Nebraska.

Because technical institutes, automotive manufacturers, personal laboratories and foreign competition all have their eyes on hydrogen fuel the future markets have skyrocketed the price of hydrogen gas to over $41 a barrel.

Several years ago hydrogen had little use in the automotive industry but after George Bush asked industrial giants to abandon oil and seek new energy sources there has been an all out attempt by ‘big gas," to find new locations to drill for hydrogen, such as remote areas of Indiana and off shore drilling in Lake Superior.

Scientist believe millions of years of fish dying and falling to the bottom of lakes may create both methane and hydrogen gas.

Professor Dominic Pladowl of Kentucky Tech, said it was long believed that families who lived in and around swamps seen more Unidentified Flying Objects than the national average but likely it was methane and hydrogen gas wells being uncovered where the dogs dug holes to bury their personal assets.

Drilling for new hydrogen has been met with opposition by groups like Nature Against Gas (NAGS) and People Love Oxygen (PLO) who say America will soon be addicted to hydrogen just as they were with oil.

Other market forces have driven up the cost of hydrogen such as China's heavy use of the gas in ammunition factories, peroxide plants and even in some cases, cooking gas.

Pladowl said the use of hydrogen for cooking meals have resulted in horrible consequences for thousands of people around the globe and feels safe heating and cooking with hydrogen is a long way off yet.

NASA said it was releasing one million barrels of hydrogen gas onto the open market in order to stabilize the price.

Mrs. William Clinton D–N.Y. told an audience of highly charged young Latinos that Mexico is full of valuable gas and everyone should go home and start digging.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

CONELRAD WILL LIKELY REPLACE FEMA

WASHINGTON--As demands for the abolishment of the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) are called for by a Senate Panel, a private think has proposed a renewal of older technology to alert Americans of impending disasters, school closings and locations of cheap gas.

Throughout the cold war all a citizen had to do was find the magical triangle on the radio dial and everything they needed to know in order to protect themselves from being killed by Russian bombers was at their fingertips.

Conelrad ( Control Of Electromagnetic Radiation) was implemented by Harry S. Truman in 1951 and required selected medium wave radio stations (AM) on the frequencies of 640 and 1240 to broadcast the location of bombers so everyone could scurry to their bomb shelters or die.

The newly formed i-Institute of Futuristic Think Tanking recommended the implementation of Conelrad once again and giving it a modern abbreviation meaning to "Control of Dumb Nasty Egregious Remarks."

All citizens with a valid Social Security number and two forms of pictured ID would be able to pick up a pastel colored AM / FM radio with the standard Civil Defense markings placed firmly on a hand tune dial.

Children will be taught in school how to turn a radio dial as well how to duck and roll onto a school bus in case of impending hurricanes.

The Republican controlled congress said they would agree with new proposal only if Air America was not allowed to be near either triangular Civil Defense station.

In the case of a severe disaster people living within a government designated zone could press an additional button on the back of the radio where upon a cash card would be dispensed so victims could get their nails done, buy shiny rims for their cars or go to Aruba to relax and calm their nerves.

Conelrad was replaced in 1963 by the Emergency Broadcast System which requires listners to obey directives during high pitch testing and also allows pets to become frightened and urinate all over the rug.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

RightWing News, Ink For Wendsday April 26



TONY SNOW TAKES THE HELM AS PRESS SECRETARY

WASHINGTON–In hopes of pulling together his new staff, President Bush selected the often outspoken Fox radio host and former speech writer, Tony Snow as White House press secretary.

Bush admitted he never listens to talk radio, therefore is not aware that Snow, 50, has often challenged the decisions made by the president.

Pundits on the left have already accused the administration of lifting high the banner of hate speech.

Several groups such as Mothers Against Babies (MAB), Gay and Lesbian Future Farmers (GLFF) and Dorks Unlimited (DU) have already decided to picket the White House because they fear Snow will begin to implant words for the press to parrot.

Snow said he will implement several changes immediately, such as actually attending presidential briefings, something Scott McClellan never did.

"I'm going to change the way reporters gain access to White House information, instead of sitting in the audience acting like fools, reporters will have to write out their questions and when I get around to answering them I will e-mail the answers to the respective reporter," Snow said.

Several news outlets like the New York Times, Newsweek and the Daily Kos are infuriated with Snows new techniques to shield the president and these keepers of the news have filled the airwaves and printed pages with complete displeasure.

"I realize their dilemma," Snow added, "So I think a call in Friday may help satisfy their needs to flex their ego muscles."




HARVARD STUDENT IS NABBED FOR STEALING THOUGHTS

A highly educated Harvard student, Kaavya Viswanathan, is accused of stealing passages from several best sellers by Random Houses's best author, Megan McCafferty.

Viswanathan 19, apologized for using over 40 references plagiarized from McCafferty's novels, Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings.

After accepting a half a million dollar book deal, Viswanathan said she was inspired by McCafferty's words and terms and couldn't help herself.

"The words just spoke to me, I slammed the books shut but they still spoke to me, in my shower and while I slept, they spoke to me," Viswanathan said. "I couldn't shut them up."

Steve Ross, spokesperson from Crown Publishing, a subsidiary of Random House, said their was at least 40 passages lifted from Sloppy Firsts and fans of McCafferty soon discovered the cryptic messages planted in Viswanathan's novel How Opal Mehta Got Kissed.

"It is rather like the Davinci Code, she took letters from the 40 passages and turned them into random numbers and then converted the random numbers into haphazard letters," Ross said.

The Harvard sophomore has apologized for any similarities between her first novel and two books by Megan McCafferty.

"I have to move on with my life and this half a million book deal shows the public that thoughts are not just one persons ideas but the cosmic universe has allowed words to be absorbed by inquiring minds like mine," Viswanathan said.

"Apologize all she wants but reading her books are agonizing and it demeans the integrity of all literary giants from Shakspere to Dr Seuss," Ross said.

No word has come from Oprah yet about a television interview for Viswanathan.





MICRO REFINERIES MAY SAVE THE CONSUMERS THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ANNUALY

ARKANSAS--With the cost of oil nearing $73 a barrel, scientist working under a grant by Wal Mart have finally discovered a way to lower the cost to approximately fifteen dollars.

A large product line at deep discount stores offer their own store brands next to the popular selling products.

For instance you can buy Scott Tissue at $4.95 a package or Ol' Roy Toilet Paper for $2.99, it is a customer's choice.

This was a concept sitting right before the buyer's eyes and for diverse reasoning, international agreements, politics and red tape, the idea never took flight.

Wal Mart will now market generic oil to small family run refineries for a much lower price than Arab oil for instance.

"The time has come for individuals to learn the fine art of micro refinering, like afficionados of the hop plants are doing all across America," said Johnny Lightning, Marketing Director of Wal Mart.

Wal Mart claims in it's book How To Power Your SUV, that anyone with a little plumbing knowledge can build a refinery in their back lot for under a thousand dollars.

Home Depot has a refinery kit selling for nearly $500 that promises gas, lubricants and heating oil.

"Wal Mart will soon come out with a new jingle for its generic oil complete with our little smiley face pal, Lightning said.

Several government agencies warn consumers that micro refining is unsafe and may cause bleeding ulcers, delirious convulsions and bed wetting.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

TOP NEWS STORIES FOR TUESDAY APRIL 25

AGING ROCK STAR TRIES HARD TO BE HEARD

The 61 year-old singer, Neil Percival Kenneth Robert Ragland Young, commonly referred to as Neil Young, one time singer with the Buffalo Springfield and anti-war relic from the VietNam era is trying to draw his career out of the slippery slopes of being an unheard of singer to the Hip Hop, thud, thud, tone-deaf young Americans.

In fear of being the old man in his 1972 hit song "Old Man," Young has finished recording a new song he hopes will resonate with the new generation of confused, dorky unwashed and mentally confused youth wandering the streets of Large City America.

"It was pretty cool," Young said of his just completed recording. "One hundred union background singers stood up and applauded after we finished."

The union members were then given Impeach Bush bumper stickers for their hard work.

Young said he sort of liked George Bush once, but soon lost favor soon after 9/11 when Bush stole the limelight away from Hollywood for several months afterwards.

"You see 9/11 was their 9/11 and my 9/11 and Hollywood's 9/11 and the gay's 9/11, it sort of reminds me of a remake of Woody Guthrie's classic song, This Land Is Your Land."

This 9/11 is your 9/11, this 9/11 is my 9/11
From the airplane crashes to the twin towers falling
from the video tape repeats I find it appalling
That Bush thinks 9/11 was made for him.

Young later told RightWing News, Ink, that he is recalling a million copies of his just released album for two reasons, first he wanted to put his new Guthrie style song on it and second of all, he forgot nobody has a stereo that plays LP's anymore.

"Duh, what was I thinking," Young said.


In further news

GEORGE BUSH'S APPROVAL RATING DROPS

HARTFORD, Conn. --A Hartford Courant/Connecticut poll shows that President Bush's job approval rating has dropped to 24 percent among Connecticut residents.

This shocking poll release shows hatred is brewing among highly paid liberal executives who hit on a poll button linked to an Internet copy of the Courant.

Analyst expert Phil Ontopofthetree said the sudden decline in the poll numbers is over the price of gas the liberals must pay when filling their SUV's that they hate, but love.

Earlier polls show Courant readers held his approval record at 24.5 percent.

"This half point plunge can spell the end of his legacy," said Ontopofthetree.



GEORGE BUSH HALTS STRATEGIC PETROLEUM RESERVES

WASHINGTON -- President Bush, after reading his poll numbers dropped to 24 percent in Connecticut due to the high price of gasoline, ordered the Justice Department today to investigate price gouging of Snicker bars in quickie mart style gas stations, halted deposits to the nation's Strategic Petroleum Reserve over the summer, destroyed insane environmental laws and urged Congress to roll over and die.

Analysts said halting the deposits to the Strategic Reserve will do little or nothing to help ease the problem since America hasn't built a refinery in the last 75 years (or so).

The oil will sit in rail cars, so the president is trying to do the next best thing and that is bringing the price of a Snickers Bar back to a nickel.

Wal Mart officials say if that is the case they will reduce their Snickers to four cents, which in turn caused K-Mart to reduce the price of their generic Snickers to two cents.

"It is good to see free enterprise at work," said Neal E Wourm, assistant economics professor at the Morton Salt Jr College.

"As far as the roll over and die comment, I have no idea what is going through the mad man's mind. I heard talk about an impeachment album soon to be released, guess that will just have to be our shining moment in a dark presidency," Wourm said.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Chinese Revolutionize The American Automobile



With countless Americans concerned about the price and availability of gas due to mad dictators, roaming nomad governments and the fear of pristine snow covered caribou lands being exploited, the time has arrived for the engineers to contemplate new ideas for transportation.

Since Henry Ford pushed the first car off the assembly line, gasoline has been the only game in town, causing plants and animals to die an early painful death as they are forced to breath toxic exhaust fumes and now humans are faced with extinction because of greenhouse gas.

Elderly stockholders who never gave up on the Desoto line may now be surprised to find out a Chinese company has purchased both the name and remaining machinery molds of the long defunct Chrysler cast away.

Taizhou Wanbang Industrial & Trading Co., Ltd. formerly known as Taizhou Guotai Bearing Co., Ltd. and Wenling Pharmaceutical Factory, maker of medicinal ball bearings and fancy electric motorcycles has announced plans to introduce to American motorist the first practical and affordable electric car.

Chinese industrialist who spent many years trying to resize Chevrolet Impalas, threw in the towel when Dale Ernhardt Jr refused to sign onto a racing contract with the Chinese Monkey, a car which looked surprisingly like his number 8 NASCAR Chevy.

Now several years later Taizhou Wanbang has redesigned an American classic, the 1958 Desoto, with a technological breakthrough in electric power.

Proffesor Wen Chi got the idea when visiting Lehmans, an Amish hardware store in Kidron, Ohio several years ago.

When Chi picked up an Amish radio and noticed the power came from a wind-up handle on the side, he thought the idea could be conveyed to an automobile.

The unveiling of the
new 2006 Desoto took place yesterday as translators for Taizhou Wanbang told audiences that the name Desoto in Chinese means, "pedal hard yu foo" so the name and technology have been married into one attractive package.

Chi told reporters the plastic Desoto will be powered much like a toy pedal car. The consumer will pedal the car for the first mile then the batteries will power it the next ten, unless you turn on the wipers or heaters in which case you must pedal ten to get one mile.

The car may be purchased with an optinal auxiliary motor but you have to feed and cloth him and also register him with the Naturalization Department.

The Pedal Hard Yu Foo Desoto will start at two-thousand dollars and will be available at most Wal-Mart and Dollar Tree Stores by July.

Friday, April 21, 2006

A Reply To An Angry Group

Today I received an e-mail from an upset reader from the Cynthia and Oprah column. Obviously I upset a few followers of a black martial arts group [Vita Saana] who refused to see the humor involved in satire. One can go back and read the many other e-mails in the article.

My reply to the following gentleman is first and foremost, I no more hate your martial arts than I do Karate. I too take a martial arts course, not for defense but to stretch my muscles that no longer work as they were created to. It was all done in jest to emphasize the ridiculous antics of Cynthia (oh, so long past now).

To you and your friends, here is your 5 minutes of fame and please, please, learn to understand satire and laughter–it is sooo good for the heart. I don't need letters of angst over Vita Saana.

P.S.

Be happy, this is a first for me, who has been in the newsprint business for ages, to go back and apologize for satire. Not for Cynthia, but for Vita Saana.

Hey, if it keeps kids from kicking in the doors, I am all for it. Two thumbs up!

.................................................................................................................


Dear Ms. Wrong-wing,

"All I know about Vita Saana is what I read on the Internet..." (that is your quote by the way.)

First and fore most allow me to refute the pure ignorance posted in this upsurd mockery of an article with some hard FACTS. I too am a student of Vita Saana and have been for nearly eight years now studying directly under Mwanzo Mwalimu Umeme Mpingo (J.C.). At first I was appalled by the complete and utter MISINFORMATION and blatant ignorant discrimination about V.S. (Vita Saana) and am quite disgusted with your disregard for a Non-Profit Anti-Violence Martial Sciences Organization dedicated to the advancement of urban communities and people everywhere. I could write a lengthy response with my opinion but I am a man of logic and choose to base my arguments off of FACTS and research. So allow me to begin.

Firstly, for those that are interested here is the actually link to CNN.COM with the official transcript of the Interview with Wolf Blitzer and Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney Aired April 3, 2006 - 17:00 ET.

You will clearly find the actual interview to completely disprove and dispel any and all of the claims made in the Blog posted by Ms. Right-Wing, Ink. The link of the transcript from CNN.COM is provided below.

http://transcripts.cnn.com/
TRANSCRIPTS/0604/03/
sitroom.02.html

For those that want to get right to the meat of the interview scroll down about a quarter of the way into the interview to get to Congresswoman McKinney's interview.

I'll have to admit the interview was quite riveting. What I found most interesting is that Vita Saana School of African Martial Arts was not named ANYWHERE in the interview.

---ALLOW ME TO REITERATE MY AFOREMENTIONED STATEMENT.

*****VITA SAANA SCHOOL OF AFRICAN MARTIAL ARTS WAS NOT NAMED IN ANY WAY, NOR WAS ITS FOUNDER MWANZO MWALIMU UMEME MAHARIBI (J.C.) ANYWHERE MENTIONED IN THE INTERVIEW.

Also, and this is really going to crack you up. Oprah was no where to be found (GASP!!!) any where in the entire interview. As a matter of fact, OPRAH WAS NOT MENTIONED EITHER.

Hmmm, now isn't that interesting.

Now let’s really dissect this article and get to the facts of what probably happened.

Ms. Right-Wing, Ink said... the author of this farcical concoction
"All I know about Vita Saana is what I read on the Internet..."

"It sounded like a good thing for a crazy woman."

Here's how things really went down. A middle-aged, post menopausal, homely white woman (still single or divorced hence the "Ms." in her user name) decided she was bored and wanted to add her narcissistic "two cents" to the political "hot topic" that is Congresswoman Cynthia McKinny and her confrontation with a Washington D.C Law Enforcement Officer. She has an idea to create a blog that can set free her "Inner Klans-man" and says to her self "Golly, wouldn't it be cool if Congresswoman knew some kind of African Kung-Fu... and then... Oprah can come invite her to her in a private Limo to her own private Salon!"

So, you then used the wonderful resource that is the World Wide Web and Googled "African Martial Arts" and the Non-Profit Anti-Violence organization Vita Saana popped up on your screen and you decided. "Wow, this sounds cool enough." Then you cut and paste Mwanzo's name (probably because you were too lazy to type out the whole thing manually) and meticulous crafted your fable on how the interview went between Congresswoman McKinney and Wolf Blitzer if it was "up to you".

-Am I close enough Ms. Right-Wing Ink?

Again, let me direct those reading this to the actual transcript on CNN.COM (I broke up the link so it will fit on the blog: http://transcripts.cnn.com/
TRANSCRIPTS/0604/03/
sitroom.02.html


So now that I have shown your LOYAL fellow idiot believers just how you maliciously lied to innocent readers who believe in you how are you going to maintain your loyal readers in your bold statement..."SOON TO BE AMERICA'S MOST READ BLOG"

Why would Americans read it if we have to figure out whether or not you are lying to us again. Has anyone besides me ever heard the story of "The Little Blogger who Cried Wolf Blitzer?"

Anyways, thank you for the free promotion of V.S. (you know what they say; "There's no such thing as bad press." You probably inadvertently made some folks research V.S and they could see for themselves that V.S. is an organization dedicated to serving communities across the country and around the world.

But hey, as much fun as this was (and it was DEFINATELY my laugh for the day utterly decimating the validity and character of an ignorant story teller) I must take leave of this God awful site because as a Student and Practitioner of V.S. it is a STRICT part of our moral code not to be IDIOTS!!!!! So, i am certain reading your blog killed a couple of brain cells and I will have to answer to my instructor. But you know something....it was worth it. Thanks for the laugh. Ciao.

Sincerely,
Lee Colston II

P.S. – "All I know about Vita Saana is what I read on the Internet..." By the way, Vita Saana doesn’t use “black belts”. Get your facts straight, better yet, go out on a date. Obviously, you have WAAAAAAY to much free time on your hands. Ms. Right-Wing, Ink or Shelly (if that’s even your real name, lol) If you can spare some time and are in the Philadelphia area; stop by the school for a free lesson (my treat!)

For more TRUE information about Vita Saana African Martial Arts and Sciences please call us directly at (215) 414-7905 to learn about our many self-defense classes and children’s programs.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Duke University Braces For A Large Fight


A bitter fight got underway this afternoon outside the chancellor's office of Duke University in Raleigh, N.C. as thousands gathered around a stage with filled with microphones.

One would suppose the battleground was concentrated on the lacrosse players who took time out from their busy schedule to watch a battered African-American woman dance in their frat house, causing a rather nasty confirmation when the battered woman claimed to be battered and raped a second time by the "white men" with no DNA.


But instead the battle in Raleigh is between two tired, worn out civil rights leaders who see dollars ready to be made by playing the race card, but the question is; who will get to the microphone first, Reverend Al Sharpton or Reverend Jesse Jackson.


In a recent interview with RightWing News, Ink, Jackson told reporters that he and he alone has the scoop on this increasingly bizarre story.


"History can't help but loom large over this case," Jackson said. "It is particularly horrible that these white men hired a battered black woman to strip for them proving my point--that history proves them guilty."


Jackson went into a long tirade about slavery, white masters and plantation owners forcing battered black women to dance behind the tobacco barn where the white women weren't allowed to go.


With his moustache beginning to quiver, Jackson started to defend the dancer saying, "Those rich white boys fantasy is as old as our country and all they had in mind was impregnating her like a cheap slave girl."


Records taken from Rent-A-Stripper show the boys never asked for an African-American stripper, but instead wanted Maureen The Dancing Queen but discovered she was busy that night.


Maureen states in her ad that she has just came to Raleigh from Sweden, is six foot three and has blond hair.
Obviously that is the type of girl a lacrosse players needs, but instead, got the battered woman as a last minute fill in.

The Reverend Al Sharpton took the case in an entirely different direction and demanded to know why the white boys didn't have DNA.
"This is shocking, a whole frat house attacks this innocent girl, who was in need of medical help, but instead, beats and rapes her, throws her into the street covered with feces and yet leaves no DNA, " Sharpton said.

Security cameras around the frat house clearly shows bruises, cuts, lacerations and dog bites on the stripper when she entered the house, raising questions of credibility.


Also, RightWing News, Ink discovered the lead prosecutor is up for reelection soon and allowing the rich white boys to go free would promise a sure defeat in his district, which comprises of a large black population.


Raising his fists in the air and throwing his suit jacket to the ground, Sharpton argues that this is his case and any vultures who believes this trial is their meat and potatoes had better move on.


"These rich kids never had to wash dishes in a dirty restaurant, never had to sweat in a gymnasium shooting baskets with hopes of being selected to play professionally in order to feed their children, or have any idea what it is to plead for a college education, now think they can run havoc through my self-impossed legal system, well it ain't gonna happen and you can take that to the bank, " Sharpton said in a three hour press conference.


Supporters of the two boys said that is exactly where the dancer is headed for, the bank, as she will decide, with a cash advancement by the two lawyers, who she is going to allow to take the case.


"I know that DNA is in there somewhere and I'm here to find it said," Sharpton said.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Matthew 16: 26
For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

There are likely very few people in our country that have not at one time or another desired an object to the extent they went into debt, likely over their head, to own the priceless object. After acquiring the article, it didn't take long for the paint to peal, the plumbing needed to be replaced, the tires were bald or the glamour just faded away and for no reason to speak of, the object lost its affection.

In 1997 I paid cash for a brand new Ford Countour with all the bells and whistles. The engine was overly complicated but ran fast and the handling was great. Because I had no payments and the insurance was paid up for a year, I felt this new car was going to be easy to own, but every time I went to the Ford garage, the required maintenance cost a fortune, plus it seemed to eat up the costly 15 inch tires as fast as children eat chocolate.

I still admired my shiny red car and washed and waxed it every week, but perhaps the brilliance caught the eyes of others because that car was in the body shop five times for being rammed into. Soon the joy of my cash layout started to fade so I traded it off for a pickup.

I never tried to gain the whole world but my car, my ambitions and my desires to become America's number one writer, columnists and speaker soon started to control a large part of my life, money and hopes. Money flew in all directions because I lived a Southern California lifestyle that ate greenbacks for breakfast.

Drug addicts will steal and kill for another fix, alcoholics will spin lies as smooth as silk to family and friends for another drink, a person who is dying without Christ will bargain with the doctors to keep themselves alive. But what do they gain?

I sometimes ask that same question; what did I gain? Today there are no more flashy cars, I will never be number one in the list of top syndicated writers and my speaking tours are only a happy memory. My eyes struggle to focus, my body tires easy and I am only in my 50's. I never perceived eight years ago when the pinnacle of my life was reached my days would soon be spent using mobility support and having aids preform duties for me.

I never gained the whole world, but at times my spiritual life was running on half of the cylinders. Fortunately I never had to bargain for my soul, but millions of people do each day as every second that ticks away folks die and never gave a passing thought about eternity. They sold their souls for what? And in the end gained nothing.

And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people. When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!" Matthew 27:50 NIV

When faced with mistakes and misgivings mankind embarks on a journey to search for his redeemer. When the drunk has no more booze and the addict, no more drugs, when the fool runs out of space, the Son of God is there. The centurions realized when the world became dark and the earth shook at Calvary, the man they ignored was their savior.

But Christ was there before that time, alive and well calling all those that would listen to come and follow him. Then came death and likely the centurions felt there was no more chance for redemption.

Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted.
Matthew 28:16 NKJ

There is no room for doubt. When Christ shows forth his resurrected glory one must realized he showed mankind the path of death ["Via Dolorosa"] that one may live. The nail scarred hands still exist only because he came from the cross and was alive.

I Corinthians
For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures, and that He was seen by Cephas, then by the twelve. After that He was seen by over five hundred brethren at once, of whom the greater part remain to the present, but some have fallen asleep. After that He was seen by James, then by all the apostles. Then last of all He was seen by me also, as by one born out of due time. For I am the least of the apostles, who am not worthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain.

He, Christ Jesus is alive! Can He be seen in your life. If not, how will others see him. Picking up the cross is not a short cut for possession of the whole world.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Death Resurrection, And Oh Dear God, Please Help Me


For an adult, understanding death can be a difficult subject to comprehend. Death is a mystery. After all we don't travel between life and the great hereafter on a regular basis. To complicate matters--what we read in the Bible may be more frightful than a hair-raising novel, especially when you are of tender age.

By tender age I am not referring to an six-year-old with an over-taxed imagination, but a 12 year old with a heart that desired to know and understand God, especially why in the world He allowed death to become so confusing.

Funerals were always number one on my list of mind messers. To understand you must walk back to an age when what you heard oft' times did not correspond to what was being spoken.

The pain of death became reality one chilly autumn morning when my parents received a call stating Grandpa Johanson died in his sleep. Although both grandparents on my mother's side passed on, it didn't rip into the very inner being of my heart like Grandpa Nels death. He taught me everything about how to catch a fish and his stories of the "old country" kept me riveted to his side for hours

My parents had the car packed long before supper and off to Iowa we drove, not with the great excitement of summer vacation. This was a solemn journey back home. Soon after arriving we were ushered into funeral home, heavy with the scent of flowers, along with a blend of other unusual and unidentifiable odors.

The organist played a long itinerary of solemn and depressing songs as if we needed to have our sad hearts primed for even more pain. I gazed upon the bronze colored casket where Grandpa lay. Behind me the sounds of women softly weeping could be heard along withc men clearing their throats as they attempted to ease their uncomfortable feelings.

After a melody of Rock of Ages and Nearer My God To Thee, Pastor Erickson stepped to the pulpit, and there sat myself, so much in need of answers--but the next thirty-five minutes brought bombardments of fear and horrid visions as the word of God turned on me. I could hardly catch my breath.

The pastor started out by reading The 23rd Psalm. "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want.." There it was, that horrible verse! "I shall not want the Lord, my shepherd." Over and over the verse reverberated in my mind, "I shall not want." As it struck home a loud gasp came from my mouth, which was returned by a jab in the side from my brother.

"Didn't you hear what that man just said?" I asked. A shhh! from dad resulted in another jab in the side.

Reality unraveled from that point on as I sunk further into fear. The 23rd Psalm went on to say, "He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." Now I ask you, have you ever tried to make a 12 year-old do anything? Besides, we didn't want a shepherd any more so why lay around in some pasture when we had to find our own way to heaven?

No wonder everyone looked so somber and ashen around me. So here we are, passed away from one life to what the Bible claimed was another. "From dust we came and to dust we go," started making sense. Obviously we were destined to get dusted in the great by and by.

In reality the 23rd Psalm did contain a few particles of comfort, but what about this Valley of the Shadow and Death? Oh my, dying just can not be any blessing whatsoever. Besides you didn't dare get hungry because you table was prepared right in front of your enemies.

Pastor Erickson finished the Psalm with a grisly illustration of my head being dipped in oil and the way things sounded when you ran to get a drink of water, the spigot wouldn't shut off and the cup ran over. Who, pray tell would wallop me for that one.

The pastor closed his Bible, proceeded to tell the story of my grandparent's journey to the new country, his years owning a Standard Oil station and his successful farming ventures. Then he asked us to repeat with him the Apostle's Creed.

Things went fine until we got to the part about judging the quick from the dead. So tell me, just how fast must you run to keep ahead of death. I looked over my shoulder, knowing for certain death was stalking me, only to see cousin Patrick sticking his tongue out. Now, this was a good time for the quick to judge him.

I was not sure whether I wanted to release Grandpa to Jesus. He was better off down here working the farm. And what did I have to look forward to? After all, angelic behavior did not become me. So many promises in the Bible, so many great illustrations, why did this pastor blow the whole illusion?

Obviously many changes occurred in my theology as I have grown older. A little semicolon in the first verse readjusted my thinking. "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." The green pastures and still waters are now a welcome oasis in a busy confused world. Death is no longer an enemy, but a reward for weary earth bound pilgrims.

I learned the oil is the spirit of my Lord being poured on weary bodies to soften the callous places where this dry and dusty world have worked us over. The table prepared before my enemies? How glorious to fellowship with the Great Master while your enemies look on and find themselves powerless to break that tender moment when you sup with the Lord Jesus.

Most of I all I realized, yes, I did miss Grandpa. He was a giant of as man. His hands were big enough to pick me up and toss me into the hay or grab a plow and hitch it to a tractor. But his hands were only human and soon became old and frail, as will ours someday.

Yet there is one whose hands are truly big enough to pick me up when I fall and gentle enough to protect as a father should. His heart, so big, it burst on the cross 2,000 years ago. Not the cross of death, but the cross of eternal life of which we all can share. That's pretty big.

That is the "Lord who is my shepherd: and because of Him I shall not want."

Monday, April 10, 2006

Ginsberg Declares War On Death And Conservatives

LINCOLN, Neb. (RWNI) U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg launched an attack against conservative leaders in Congress to defend so-called "activist judges"

Speaking before a crowd of University of Nebraska college students, Ginsberg said conservative bullies who want to clean up the court will likely not see it come to fruition, if history is any indication.

Ginsberg began the evening by mounting an attack against the deposed House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, since bringing up any current conservative leaders could cause a firestorm of criticism and congressional retaliation.

"I learned long time ago that kicking a dead dog will keep you from getting bit," Ginsberg said.

Her comments referred to the fact that Delay was serious about allowing Terri Schiavo, the supposed brain dead wife of a blundering idiot, to live.

At the moment of Schiavo's legalized murder, conservatives said the time had come to run vermin and evil spirits out of the court, which now has been set in motion with the recent nomination of John Roberts and Samuel Alito.

President Bush had the luxury of nominating two Supreme Court judges, because age and death made space for new blood in the nations top judiciary.

"We have constructed a new chamber equipped with vitamin drinks, oxygen inhalers and built in automated external defibrillators so the remaining judges with any common sense left can make it another few years," Ginsberg told the now dumbfounded students.

Well into the boring three hour speech, Ginsberg told the students that liberal judgeship is a lot like football, or to the younger sport fans, soccer--when the sinister conservative team kicks the ball, we stop it.

"A simple truth has helped to spare our old federal judiciary from onslaughts of our liberal character: It is easier to block enactment of a bill than to get a bill enacted," Ginsburg said. "In other words if we don't like the bill, then we overstep our boundary and search out previously unknown facts of European law."

As Ginsberg spoke, she stopped several times in order to tighten up her hair which kept falling from her strategically crafted bun, creating a comic relief in an otherwise horrifically boring speech.

As the evening painfully wore on her inner fears became more apparent when she mentioned that America has forgotten many of the old guards of the Supreme Court such as herself.

"Ask anybody who Steven Breyer is and likely you will get a shrug of the shoulders," Ginsber said.

The evening ended with a clarion call to action for America's youth, whom the speaker hoped would identify with her ideas.

"Sadly the liberal defenders of the multi-interpretive constitution are becoming tired, we can't hold on forever so remember America, Hillary is our only hope. Vote, vote and vote again," Ginsberg said as she finished her speech.

When Ginsberg walked from the stage only half of her audience was still seated as most of the students had to go home and milk the cows or plant wheat fields.

Student leader, Jim Polebender said, "Her clarion call comment was appropriate since the definition of clarion is a loud shrill medieval instrument with a clear high-pitched tone. Her lecture was more than anybody could withstand."

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Scientists May Have Found Proof That Shakesphere Never Existed

Rational NeoGraphics Magazine revealed today they have one-uped their competitor, National Geographics by proving through a word-per-word analysis that Judas Iscariot, not William Shakespeare, composed Midsummer Night's Dream, Romeo and Juliet and likely penned the sixty-six act play, King James.

According to ancient manuscripts called Divinci's Coptic Camel Code, that was found crumbling away in an old menu in the Gaza Strip Coffee Delight Cafe thirty-six years ago, Judas was a lively writer who not only spoke, Greek, Hebrew, Italian and Egyptian, but also understood Greek tragedy as well as Jewish comedy.

In one of the Coptic Camel Code biographical texts called, "Judas Priest, Did I Really Say That", the author, who claims to be Judas Iscariot said he just wanted to have fun so in the later part of the King James play, he created this Messiah guy who fell in love with the world and when he realized the world didn't love him he contacted Friar Lawrence, a dabbler in herbal medicines and potions, took a swig and put himself in a death-like coma.

Experts discovered the same identical words, and a character named Friar Lawrence in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet nearly 1,500 years later, leading many to believe Shakespeare was a fraud who may not existed at all.

Theodore Lightloafers, a theater critic for The Paris Monthly said the guild is all a buzz and the fear is if this proves to be true it may cause anxiety and dissension in many theater worshipers.

"Because Judas would have to be three hundred years old at the time of the writing we believe this certainly cannot be the same guy," Lightloafers said.

When asked at a press conference if he thought Judas could have composed the play, King James Bible, Lightloafers said, "Now that may take some thinking, it is possible though, since he did speak the Kings English quite fluently, but not Romeo or Midsummer, that just can't be."

Judas also wrote in his biography that at the end of the Messiah chapters of King James, members of a tough street gang called The Disciples 12 are unsure whether what they have seen is real, or whether they have woken up after having shared the same dream.

Theater critics often said what Shakespeare wanted to make clear is the theater is nothing more than a shared dream.

Scientists and other genius type people are going to present the similarities of Judas and Shakespeare in a 15 hour long documentary on Public Television right after the Sesame Street production entitled Big Bird and The Stone Throwers on Easter Sunday.

"I think the passion of Shakespeare being called a fraud is going to resonate through the faithful of the ticket holders, heaven forbid our faith in the theater could be crushed by some dried up parchment found in an old Jewish menu," Lightloafers said.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Skeletal Remains of Tiktaalik roseae Refuted












After an in depth investigation, RightWing News, Ink discovered the supposed skeletal remains of a 360 million year old Alli-fish by Philadelphia's Academy of Natural Sciences was not really what the geniuses had presumed it to be.


Carbon dating by the Mark III Dyno Dater Carbon Machine had scientist believing the bones were that of Tiktaalik roseae, a fancy dancing fish that pranced right up through the evolutionary chain, going from an outer space fish to a human in the mere time span of thousands and thousands of decades.

After a closer examination by our crack team of editorial scientist we reconstructed the remains through our highly sophisticated computers and with a little touch-up in Photo Shop we have determined that the fast stepping fish was bogus and in reality was a rusted out hulk of a 1958 Packard Hawk [see above photo]

Willard Fiilmore, Alaskan native car recycling expert, told reporters the Packard was used by Eskimos to haul elderly residents of Barrows to bingo parlors in Western Manitoba and when the car died on the way home it was abandoned and eventually melted into the landscape.

"The problem with them fancy scientist is they presuppose all of our junk to be somethin' from before man were even here," Fiilmore said, wiping the frost from his glasses. "Why just last year they thought a rusted brake drum off an old International pickup was proof that meteorites had iron in them."

Fiilmore said he had many scientist come up north to dig under the ice and one, he said, dug up the area he just bulldozed over.

"Yup, he was besides himself when he discovered our family outhouse sight, it been there for nearly 25 years. Guess there weren't much he could do there," Fiilmore said, laughing till tears filled his eyes. "I'd like to hear what he told his colleagues ‘bout that dig."


The Packard remains were turned over to the Loma Linda Academy of Natural Sciences where it will be rebuilt and put on exhibit as, according to carbon dating, a three hundred and forty-seven thousand year-old-car.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

360 Million Year Old Fish Found To Be The Missing Link


A research team led by paleontologist Neil H. Shubin of the University of Chicago and Edward B. Daeschler of Philadelphia's Academy of Natural Sciences discovered the fossil of a fish that roamed about nearly 360 million years before the earth was formed.

The carp like monster was stumbled upon by mistake in the windblown Arctic wilderness of Canada's Ellesmere Island, about 600 miles from the North Pole.

"We are not sure what we have on our hands but it is the strangest looking fish you ever saw," said the academy's resident genius.

A computer generated model [pictured above] shows the creature could swim like a fish or get up on its hind fins and dance till it dropped.

The team dubbed it Tiktaalik roseae . "Tiktaalik" is an Inuktitut word for "large, shallow water fish," and Shubin said "roseae" refers to one of the patrons of the project who wants to remain anonymous because he knows this will set mankind's mindset back nearly 50 million years.

"It is amazing once you start to look at this, it wore a pair of size nine alligator shoes, lurked about in the mud and had gills to run and hide in the water when Adam and Eve tried to find it so they could give it a name," said the anonymous genius.

Scientist believe this to be the missing link showing fish roamed the universe before God had time to sit down and create an earth.

Many masters of high thinking believe the fish came to earth, got stuck in primordial ooze and was forced to pull itself up by the bootstraps and move on to better pools of water where it likely mated with frogs who in turn turned into humans.

"How else do you explain man's desire to dance, the more primitive, the more he dances," the scientist said in a telephone interview with RightWing News, Ink.

Carbon dating was performed on Tiktaalik roseae as astonished bystanders gasped in horror as the scientist spun the big wheel and the gauge rang several bells, whistled and landed on 360 million years.

"You Christians laugh at our carbon dating but I swear upon it. Why just this morning I threw out the coffee after I put it on the Mark III Dyno Dater Carbon Machine and it said it was nearly 45 thousand years old. No wonder it tasted nasty," said Elsmere Piles, respected Genius at the Mt. Everest School of Higher Learning.

Scientist believe the river that Tik loved so much dried up after Global Warming VII, causing it to follow the Northern Star, which God just invented, and therefore ended up in the arctic.

"You could tell it was cold because of the blue fossilized fish lips, and likely that is what killed him, that is unless an Eskimo ate him," Piles said.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Time and Time Again We Slowly Tick Away.

Occasionally I drift away from the hustle and bustle of news, both current and the old fermented stuff. Beyond my back door lives a noisy world where lately our whole planet seems to have become hostile and very angry.

In my apartment, if I so desire I can create calmness, or at the flick of a button allow a little circular piece of plastic covered with digital information to create music, speech or movies with thunderous reverberations or tinkling of a fine misty rain falling against my television screen.

Digital is wonderful. In my lifetime numerous changes have taken place to produce music, including but not necessary in this order; 78's, 45's, 33 and a 1/3's, eight tracks, cassettes and CD players. I have no idea about the new gadgets people are plugging into their heads like MP3 and Apple something or others.

In this age of depositing digital chips in every conceivable doohickey, from the family car to the voting machine, a person begins to surmise perhaps something is missing and I believe it is ingenuity since younger folks feel like a rocket scientist with just a computer chip and a hand full of wires.

I ask you this simple question, who is in charge of clocks nowadays.


On my wall ticks away a rare made in Japan school clock that is over a hundred years old and by moving a tiny little weight up or down a pendulum it will keep perfect time for three days, then with a key I wind the antique time piece and forget it.

There once was a time when a clockmaker had to sit down and design a clock with multiple gears, little bitty axles, main springs and a brass knob to set the time. I am amazed how they designed just the right little parts to allow it to keep near perfect time.

Now likely you are wondering what brought me to the pinnacle of this story. It is the fact people (me) can be suckered into paying sixty five dollars for a RCA alarm clock that makes Inspector Gadget look like a quadriplegic. The ninety-five page instruction manual, printed in 32 languages, states all you need do is plug it in and the time magically appears. Well it did for about two days.

From that moment on the clock had a mind of its own, likely controlled by an evil chip implanted deep within the hunk of plastic. The alarm went off when ever it so pleased and resetting the alarm, well let me just say, was impossible. The background digital dial color kept changing, the CD player would start to skip and trying to move on to the next song became futile, as was attempting to use the volume control.

I took the monster back to Best Buy just before Daylight Savings Time began, since the time control was linked to an atomic clock, likely in Iran. I just knew it was a James Bond style bomb with its digital seconds flashing just before a ground zero nuclear detonation took place. Somehow it found a space on my night stand. While dripping in fearful sweat, the clock was unplugged and returned.

I thought perhaps the Best Buy clerks would smirk under their breath, hand me another clock from under the counter and shove me out the door, but when the young lady looked on the computer and said with sadness in her eyes they no longer carry that brand so perhaps I would like to find something else to spend my credit on, feel free.

For some unknown reason I rode my wheelchair back to the alarm clock section only to find a Timex clock for ten dollars more than the returned one. I could only stand in fear thinking of the devastation a more expensive clock could wreak upon humanity. I slowly backed away.

As I laid down my pile of DVD's on the counter in order to use my return credit, a back-in-time flash took me to grandma's house and thoughts of how I was lulled off to sleep with the loud ticking of her wind up Big Ben alarm clock. Waking up in the morning seemed so simple and safe for neurotics like me.

Now, if you folks will excuse me I need to get on ebay and find a Big Ben ASAP. Only one problem--there is a chip somewhere in the computer that remembers my previous visits.

Help!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Oprah Pays A Suprise Visit To CNN's Interview With Cynthia McKinney

After a March 29th altercation with a White House policeman, Rep. Cynthia McKinney, D-Georgia, has traveled a road, as she described, "Full of mambo snakes, wild orangutans and half-crazed white elephants."

In a lengthy interview with Wolfe Blitzer, McKinney said the incident took place so fast she had no time to think because all she had on her mind was suing her hairdresser for the mess he made.

"The blooming idiot put some kind of white people's Wal-Mart shampoo on my hair, now I can't do a thing with it." McKinney said, wiping tears from her eyes.

McKinney, who has a black belt in Vita Saana, an African martial arts, known for its deadly swift action, told Blitzer that she could have dropped that white cracker- head policeman and the whole staff in 30 seconds.

Vita Saana is an urban street fighting art that is often used to kick in the doors of pizza delivering white-boys, who young thugs see as a threat to the neighborhoods by causing black children to become fat and passive.

"I studied under Mwanzo Mwalimu Umeme Mpingo, the master of Vita Saana and he warned me never to take my eyes off a whitey po-po and look at me now, up to my ears in legal do-do and a bad hair day to boot," McKinney said as her sobs soon became out of control.


Just as the producers were ready to take a wrap on the broadcast, Oprah Winfrey came on stage and sat down next to McKinney, put her head upon her bosom and told her everything was going to be just fine just let the tears of anger and repression flow.

"What you see here is the tears of hundreds of years of white repression, slavery and sharks that followed the ships of horror," Winfrey said.

The next 20 minutes of Blitzer's show was women to woman talk and relating, and he never got a word in edgewise as Oprah promised to fly McKinney back to Chicago and get her hair fixed at her private salon, Mr. Swishey's House of Relaxer.

"Whatever has been done can be undone," Oprah said, referring to her dramatic weight loss and regaining of the pounds, "And girlfriend we got to get rid of that Scottish white-boy name."

After the show McKinney was whisked away in Oprah's private limo.

Blitzer lamented the now destroyed interview and only wished that Larry King got the interview instead.

"Hell boy, that woman just cost me big dollars in a lawsuit that would have made me famous," McKinney's attorney James Myart said.