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Sunday, November 05, 2006

HOMELAND SECURITY DECLARES NO ELECTION RESULTS UNTIL THURSDAY OR LATER


President George Bush announced today from the snow covered White House Rose Garden that an emergency overnight congressional session was held this weekend to pass a law delaying election results until calm prevails across the nation.


Election officials from nearly all 50 states agreed the televised ads have created a hostile and unsafe environment for voters and booth workers alike.

"It is sad to see what the other party has created over the last few weeks and we are nearly in the rungs of civil war, therefore, by the War Powers Act and Homeland Security Act, I have taken necessary action to ensure a safe and peaceful Tuesday," President Bush said earlier today..

Scattered reports from across the nation have poured into local police stations of pillaging, overturning of cars in backyards of Appalachian states, teenagers shoplifting in malls, pot smoking, angry mothers hoarding milk and baby food plus other physical crimes such as televisions being tossed from windows of houses and passing cars.

The president urged Americans to get up, vote early and take the children to McDonalds and forget the escalating violence being perpetrated across the nation by mobs of angry politicians.

"These people (Democrats) have organized themselves rather well with hostile words and November surprises of mass destruction and we have seen Emergency Rooms across our lands becoming overwhelmed, where many have died from lack of oxygen due to uncontrollable shouting and refusing to take time to inhale," said Evans Jibbersly, spokesman for the Northern Ohio Chapter of Political Relaxation.

"Everything will have a chance to cool down if we just take a few days to think about what we did at the polls and be proud of it," Jibbersly said. You will feel better, your neighbor will feel better and America will feel better. Think of it as a group hug.

As the president was ready to step away from the podium he parted with a quote from Abraham Lincoln,

"Fellow-citizens, we cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration, will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance, or insignificance, can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass, will light us down, in honor or dishonor, to the latest generation."


"Smile, be happy and vote. God bless you all," Bush said, as a flurry of reporters yelled at the president as he withdrew to the White House

7 comments:

camojack said...

I liked what someone said at ScrappleFace the other day, about monkeys at the zoo flinging less poo than all these attack ads...

Beerme said...

I know this is satirical (maybe) but many Democrats are actually predicting the possibility of the president either calling off elections or effecting a coup before the 2008 tilt, just to maintain power. They actually think this is possible in this country.

Vote conservative as if your life depends on it!

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

beerme
I remember when Nixon was president Waler Cronkitight, David Brinky and others were hinting the same thing from their black and white pulpit.

Why they arrived at that conclussion I never could figure out.


camojack
Tomorrow I will be dodging the poo during my long stay working at the voting booth in a 98% Democrat district.

mig said...

There is alot of talk about the voting machines not working correctly. I think this is out there so if a Repub does win, it will be assumed that the machine was working incorrectly.

MargeinMI said...

Bless you, Ms.RW. That was Just. Brilliant.

Keep those juices flowing, and try to restrain yourself from running down the DimDonks in your power chair tomorrow!

Pat'sRick© said...

In the words of John Kerry, vote early and vote often.
Or was that Boss Hogg?
Well, euymcuf to you, too.

Maggie said...

Beerme,
The Dims hace already effected a "Poo Coup" and smear tactics.