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Thursday, November 02, 2006

SENATOR KERRY FIGHTING HOOF AND MOUTH DISEASE


Officials within Senator John Kerry's (D-Mass) organization announced today following his political guffaw this week, that caused a major chasm to be carved into the Democratic party, that the wounded political leader opted for rehab.


Kerry's sokesperson, Angus Bullflinger, confirmed rumors the senator followed the lead of several other unnamed political and religious figures who fell from grace and saw rehab as a quick fix.

Reports had been flying about Boston that Kerry secretly entered the Rodney Dangerfield Hospital for Disorientated Joke Tellers at the now famous Dangerfield's on First Avenue in Manhattan yesterday morning.

Because of the privacy act, his treatment plan has remained undisclosed but pamphlets found lying about in the nightclub state the idea behind Hospital is, "To offer idiots, slow thinkers and other people with the knack of disrespecting the general public, a 24 hour crash course of quick wit, smart thinking and a general hope idiots can be transformed into decent citizens."

"We know Kerry's stoic personality has often caused people to misunderstand his deep thoughts, but in truth he is a barrel of laughs once you get to know him," Bullflinger told reporters. "What this is all about is cracking the egg shell veneer that encrusts the senator."

Kerry's office expects him to be released sometime today.


UPDATE: NOVEMBER 2, 10:06 a.m. NEW YORK


John Kerry was released early this morning from The Rodney Dangerfield Hospital for Disorientated Joke Tellers, smiling at fans and supporters as he entered his official "New Man Car," which resembles a 1960 Fiat that clowns once used in circus acts.

This amazing change in personality has stunned his fans who had grown accustom to his dry wit and high minded thinking.

Reporters on site say the tall, handsome figure raised the pitch of his voice four octaves and now sounds like a teenager inhaling helium.

After returning to his office at his Cape Cod home, Kerry gave a quick interview which the Senator started out saying, "I never get any respect. My wife asked me to take her someplace new where she's never been before and I took her to the kitchen," at which time his partner in life, Teresa Heinz, pushed a large bookshelf on top of his now limp body.

No word has been released from his office on whether or not Kerry shall re-enter rehab.

12 comments:

Mrs Kajun said...

The update is totally hilarious, Mrs RW. Loved it!!

BTW, thanks so much for the info on the last post. "Tis greatly appreciated.

The trotting Possum said...

The "mass mailing" worked fine. It's good to know when you put up new posts...I always appreciate your work. Keep me on your subscription roster.

I can't stop laughing over the the "kitchen" remark. Somewhere in the vast beyond, Henny Youngman is stroking his violin and nodding approval.

I was searching for a pun about "Mass. mailing" and Kerry, but despite my vaunted college education, I ain't quick-witted enough. I thought about re-hanging my diploma on the bathroom wall, but it languishes in a box somewhere in the basement. We don't need no stinkin' education!

(Pink Floyd plays on as I LMAO...)

The trotting Possum said...

United Possums has moved here: United Possums International, but I'm maintaing an account at Blogger so I can comment on my friends' blogs.

Maggie said...

Personal testimony:

My therapy began with your basic knock-knock jokes,pranks,clown and clown makeup ,whoopi cushions and satire
Advanced instruction in Burping and Flatulation humor will be offered in the Summer.(pull my finger)

Barb said...

Well, until I read that Kerry had gone limp ,I was going to demand his resignation. I realize insulting the entire American Military ,over and over again,is not as serious offense as insinuating Democrats lie and distort the truth,he still should Resign ,for the good of the Country and the people of Mass.
I'm so glad his wife finally found out how he bad mouthes her ,when she is not present.

Barb said...

Oh, Maggie ,you mean you never got to the part where they do the "little Johnnie "jokes? Surely there is one that would fit this situation.

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

I'm sure glad you all found your way here to the cafe. I just hope we don't run short on the Krispie Kremes.

Actually I prefer Burma Shave gags to flatulence, i.e., gas jokes in the movie Click. It was a rather funny video until he did the flatulence bit.

Hawkeye® said...

"Kerry's sokesperson... Angus Bullflinger"

ROFLMAO! Another great article M.J.

(:D) Best regards...

Hawkeye® said...

P.S.-- Please keep me on your mass mailing list.

Beerme said...

Hilarious! It captures the nuanced nutjob perfectly.

Thanks for the e-mailing, too. I hope they taught Kerry that "...take my wife, please" joke. That might come in handy!

camojack said...

Jean (Le) Fraud Kerrie puts his "hoof" in his mouth often, it would seem...how I would dearly love to plant my "hoof" squarely in his derriére.

However, since he is basically all derriére, I would scarcely know where to begin...

MargeinMI said...

He was before respect before he was against it. Either way, he doesn't give any or get any!

Very funny Ms. RW! Add me:

margefeucht@acninc.net