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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Welcome To The 2006 Eating Olympics

Oh my dear readers, so many holiday stories that never made it to the pages of Shelly's. I may need to do catch-up way into January. sigh. But here we go--up and at 'em

Did I hear the word "misery," emanate from one's vocabulary? Ah yes, welcome to the 2006 Eating Olympics where contestants from all across America once again gather in homes to show the world we are not gastronomical wimps. This year's kick off started November and will end somewhere after the Orthodox Christmas in January.

Many of you who entered the Holiday Open with little or no training for this event are probably lying on the floor this morning holding your cramping stomachs wishing you had not partaken in the final 5 Meter Table Relays. That leg of turkey, hunk of ham, plate of cranberries, piece of pie, dish of applesauce and other multiple culinary delights our grubby little hands could grab onto has now separated the professionals from the amateurs.

The first sitting at the Thanksgiving table would have sufficed for most wanna-be contestants. The second helping, well, heck, it was a food orientated holiday, but those who made the round for the third time, guess you just thought you had would it took, huh. Come on folks, admit it, you surpassed last's years record so far by 135 grams of fat plus an additional 45 grams of sodium. For goodness sake, what where you thinking of. If you are going for the Holiday Gold, you better whip yourself into shape first.

Sure, there are some of you readers in Eating Olympic denial and can call out carb numbers like batting averages, but just look at your shopping list–sugar, chocolate chips, pecans, whipped topping, Crisco™, potato chips, sugar sprinkles, deep frying oil, butter, ham, pie filling, peanuts, cashews, corn syrup, wine, beer, Fluff™, pretzels with extra salt, more butter and oh yes, make that a 25 pound bag of sugar. Oh, and don't forget the caramels and while you are at it grab another pound of butter, just in case.

Walking through the store I notice the "novice," participant buying fresh fruit and veggies to camouflage calorie laden necessities. My advice to you weenies is this–if you are going to be a winner, look like a winner. Strut your stuff and don't be intimidated. Lift that bag of sugar, heave them hams and load up that cart with a sense of pride and purpose. Go for the taco chips, after all, you are an American, by God.

Yes folks, the 2006 Eating Olympics have begun and the Food Network is signed on for the World Finals. Truck load after truck load of work out supplies have been dropped off at favorite supermarkets and big case stores near you. Just like those dangerous fat robbing gyms, your local purveyor of calories has Muzak to better psych your mind. Songs like, "Tis the season to pack the pounds on, fa la la la la la la, will glide you through the toughest of obstacles.

For those who never made the grade in previous events here are a few secrets. First, it is not just the food. We have other means to hit our goal on the Holiday Plunge to the Pounds, like television entertainment. You got it, all our favorites return to the new exciting world of digital High-Def. Now how many times have you seen, "It's a Wonderful Life?" One more time will never hurt our training regimen–as a matter of fact, it will fit right in. So grab another bowl of buttered popcorn and sink down into that oh so, comfy couch. And hey aren't all the bowl games about to be aired! Tired of television, then go to the theater for all the new Christmas releases.

All right, you say, I'm hip to the waistline expansion program. So you run to the movies and hit the video stores with stacks of your all time favorites like Home Alone and Christmas Story, but you start sweating with horrid thoughts of mall shopping. True, it can be a calorie burner with all that walking. Give yourself a break. It is safer than you think. Just find the Otis Cookie counter, wash it down with a Coffee Castle double whipped café Ole and just watch your timing so you can hit the Double Cheeseburger Court before you are tempted to go home and nibble baked chicken and steamed broccoli.

Be judicious at this point. Fatigue can easily set in, so watch for that multiplex theater near the mall. You know there has to be at least one more movie you haven't seen, plus you been meaning to get that gift card for Uncle Seymour anyhow. Remember, the extra large barrel of popcorn has free refills and that salt, man how it makes us thirsty. You see, a good workout is really quite simple.

Alright, so you have been following my advice so far and you're one of a million Americans that keeps Alka Seltzer™ on tap. I bet there are more opportunities you have overlooked to set a new personal best. Have you looked at your Day Runner? Count them, one, two, three, ah five Christmas parties and those are just the office bashes. You can't forget the family get together and if you are married you can multiply that by two. Oh, feel that waist line begin to tighten–ya baby, you can do it!

Just remember this gastronomic event is the decathlon. If you are not ready, stay with the 40 calorie sprint or the low fat hurdles until you reach peak performance. For optimum results insert words like stationary and stagnant into your conversation. A little prep will eliminate the morning stomach cramps so focus, focus, focus. You are never alone. Find a work out partner and go for the Gold!!!


Mrs. Kajun said...

Another of your posts that I have thoroughly enjoyed.

Having you back was one great Chrsitmas present.

Beerme said...

Merry Christmas, Ms. Righty!

Hawkeye® said...

BWAHAHAHA! Good one Ms Righty. In my present condition I'm probably only good for a bronze medal (OK, well MAYBE a silver... but I'm trying to be modest).

Good to hear from ya! I think Jesus said, "For where two or three Scrapplers are gathered in prayer, I will hear them"... (or something like that).

(:D) Regards...

Mrs. Kajun said...

Uh-Oh I should have proofread my comment.
Make that Christmas, please.

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

Thanks for all the kind words.

This round of troubles has knocked the ol' one two out of me--but I shall overcome.

One good thing is the Olympics passed me by this year so not a lot of guilt going on here. sigh

The trotting Possum said...

So good to see you back, m'dear. Some of us were actually worried.

The trotting Possum said...

By the way, how does steak, apple pie, and tater salad sound? No gastrointestinal distress on Scorpion Hill. There was also some homemade sauerkraut with yellow squash, stewed tomatoes, and Vidalia onions, and some cole slaw just because I'm a cabbage freak. And, unlike Bush 41, I like my broccoli with pepper jack cheese sauce.

My world-class cook's repertoire also contains a recipe for a grits casserole that'll blow your mind. Think lots of bacon and cheese, and Rice Krispies for the pie crust. The grits are almost irrelevant at that point.

I can also tell you how to cook deer liver with green pine straw, which is tastier than it sounds. It needs to be prepared over an open fire, and I did get cursed once in a fine restaurant for divulging the recipe within earshot of other diners.

For fine culinary delights, though, nothing compares to the Cambodian cobra festival. Don't ask; it may be more information than you need.

It's 0400 the day after Christmas; I should perhaps be in bed, but we don't need no stinkin' sleep!

The grits casserole is actually quite good. Deer liver with pine straw is an acquired taste.

I shoot snakes on sight. Downing a shooter of poison glands in some mysterious yellow liquid is not something I want to repeat in this lifetime.

I see you've finally unraveled the mystery of word verification for your blog. I found the simplest solution to be simply speaking the letters aloud as I type them in.

MargeinMI said...

'Tis the season for comfort food! I'm doing my part, focusing on butter, cream cheese, and chocolate for my theme this year. My sister had a new cream cheese dip with cranberry chutney this year. Heaven!

Christmas Day: Cookies of many kinds all day, hot turkey sandwich w/mashed for supper. More cookies & chocolate.

Look out Hawkeye, I'm giving you a run for the silver!

UpNorthLurkin said...

Can't tell you how happy I am to see you back posting at Shelly's cafe!! I didn't get one cookie made this season! There's still time though since I still believe in the 12 days of Christmas! Our tree never goes up before the 10-15th of December because it doesn't come down til at least Jan. 5th. I was able to "borrow" a recipe for better-than-sex candies and a bread with cherry and white chocolate filling! Yum!! Instead of caramel corn this year we used a combo of cheerios, peanuts and dried, sweetened cranberries (with caramel poured over all!!) I swear, you can't eat just one handful! The recipe calls for Spanish peanuts and raisins but I use dry roasted peanuts and the cranberries cuz my husband won't eat raisins. The cranberries actually make it look more Christmassy anyway!!

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...


I manged to get a couple of batches of M&M cookies made before the big visit plus a few pounds of fudge that was sold right away. Right now I am so weqak that death keeps looking through my back door. ( I'm using all those guns on Scrapple today to keep him away)

I had plans after I got out of the hospital for some New Year goodies, but alas the butter is heading for the freezer and my eggs for the tummy.

Goodies are good all year long and soon my hands will be back into the flour.

UpNorthLurkin said...

Well yeah, the 1st or the 25th are just dates on a page....we can celebrate the occasion when we see fit or are fit or whenever or always for that matter!! I'd like to hear you are concentrating on getting well and getting stronger!! I haven't even picked up this years supply of Georgia pecans and they are just across town!! When I do, some will be coming your way!!

JAINPHX said...

Good to have you back.You should really consider a warmer and drier climate.Then the eating Olympics can began in earnest.

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...


Dry yes, warmer no. MS does not like warm and Ohio is to warm (hot) for me. Minnesota would be better but my dreams of going home slowly fade with time.


Pecans are always welcome (365 days of pecans are in my cookbooks) I sort of feel the same way. My cafe was always warm and festive and was just a little more festive for the holidays. Warm coffee, warm hearts and lots of good food is what we believed in--365!


I am sure your food taste better than what it sounds. Living in this area amongst Hungarian and other Eastern Euro folks, I see some foods that I would have to say no thanks to, but then they sure have some goood pastry.

I may go out for my first meal tonight. A friend is stopping by for a meal and a drive through the area Christmas light displays.

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...


Looks like you may win the gold. Pass the cream cheese puulleeezzzeee!

I love cream cheese and diipping. Don't get much better

MargeinMI said...

WooHoo! [flopping into recliner, one hand raised in victory, the other rubbing tummy]

I'm going through the chocolate d.t.'s, and a restoration of my digestive tract now.

Pecans! Mmmmmm....... [nodding off to dreams of pecan pie, pecan sandies, chocolate turtles.....]

Hankmeister said...

When it comes to carbs I always lose count!

That's why God invented cars, so we can cruise down to the local burger joint.

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

folks we hit an all impressive comment number. Ahh, food, it brings out the bext of people

onlineanalyst said...

Thanks be that you folks finally got around to including the cream cheese goodies. And anything enriched with sour cream makes it in my favorite foods' list. Add any kind of nut or apricots, and I'm yours.

Food, glorious food: what better way to be festive than to feast.

So very glad that you're back, MsRW,Ink. We were quite worried about you.

camojack said...

All the holiday eating is making Jack a heavier boy. Now I have to lose it all again...