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Monday, March 30, 2009

Chevy, Chrysler and the American Hero

I have three somewhat odd conundrums that have been rolling through my economy-sized brain all day. Two of them have been talked about on conservative talk radio since I first rubbed the sleep from my eyes this morning and the other, well it may be a much over looked historical fact. The conundrum? Can I tie all three into one blog to prevent over-taxing my brain's wiring.

First, we know Obama, who yesterday was feeling his Cheerios, a General Mills product, fired CEO Rick Wagoner a General Motors product. The implementation of a CEO's demise is a job usually performed by stock owners, but not this time. Even with Wagoner's hard-fisted approach of shutting down 14 auto plants and laying off thousands of workers,who likely will be flipping burgers or handing out shopping carts at Wal Mart, Mr. Obama still believes he didn't get the bang for our his bucks. After discussing the problem in length with his wife Michelle and two children, he picked up the phone and called the GM Hot Line and after punching one for English, two for Español, three for warranty, four for your nearest dealer, he finally found the cleaning lady, who in turn left a termination Sticky-note on Wagoner's desk.

So today in his best form, Obama walked up to the Teleprompter and said, “America, kiss my grits. You will probably not like my decision, but since I live in the White House now, we are doing things my way. If you think GM is messed up, which I concur that it is, wait till you see what I am going to do with Chrysler.”

At that time stocks once again plummeted as fears swept across Wall Street. At the end of the day GM stocks were selling at an unheard of $2.71 a share. After his kiss my grits speech he called Hillary and told her if she wanted inside info on some new cattle market futures, go buy GM stock since he was sure he could resurrect the doomed company by making green cars.

Obama later told the press he would work with Congress on a program to encourage consumers to replace old, less fuel-efficient cars with newer, cleaner vehicles. This is Obama's answer to two stolen chickens in every pot, a sort of hot pot if you will. America will be forced to trade in old beaters that are finally paid for and purchase Ethanol sipping Chevy Vegas.

On a similar note, Chrysler will be forced to join hands with Fiat. Now folks do you know about Fiats? I do. One of my first decent jobs as a young adult was to work for a dealership that sold Fiats. They had to be the crapiest vehicle ever shoved down the throats of Americans back in the 1970's, short of the Renault, Simca and the Austin American.

About the same time I worked for the dealer Fiat shed themselves of the 1100D Sedan, to a more sporty 124 model and the incredible self destructing Fiat 750. So what, you ask, did Fiat do with all the tooling for the 1100 sedan. Hold on to your hats—they sold them to Yugoslavia to be turned into the (you guessed it), the YUGO. Americas first weeny, liberal attracting, pile of highway destruction, ever to grace the American highways.

Do you see where this column is heading. Obama is hoping GM will return the consumer to the days of the dreaded Chevrolet Vega and Fiat Yugos with a Chrysler hemi. Not. You will be lucky to get a weasly little four cylinder that is so laden down with smog controls that the tight Lycra pants weinies on bicycles will leave you in the dust.

The rest I will leave to your deep fearful imagination. Stephen King would be pleased. So now we have the two train wrecks of the American way of life this morning, which is becoming quite common from the Obama administration, but what was the third item on my list today. Charlie Brown!

Charlie Brown was America's lovable nudnick. As many times as he tried take one for the team, his proverbial football was pulled away at the last minute. He often ended up seeking professional help from Doc Lucy, spending his last nickel on advice he should know would cut him to the quick. Well on this day in history the hopeless little man clobbered in his winning home run, not only hitting the ball, but bringing his team to victory as well.

So can I tie in the lovable Charlie Brown hitting his first comic strip league home run to Barack Obama's first attempt at taking a swing at General Motors and Chrysler? Zeech, how great do you think I am. Charlie, here's to your victory. Barack, well here is to your national fudge. May Lucy always pull the proverbial ball out from your wild kicks.

1 comment:

camojack said...

Fiat, yes. I remember a couple of acronyms based on that name:
"Fix it again, Tony" and "Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation".

Take your pick...