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Thursday, January 26, 2006

Mouse Once Feared To Be Extinct May Save Kennedy Memorial

Los Angeles

A small rodent may save the crumbling Ambassador Hotel from certain destruction, the Kennedy family announced Thursday at a sparsely packed news conference attended by Diane Keaton, who has often pleaded with city officials not to destroy the building.

The Los Angeles sight of Robert F. Kennedy’s assassination has fallen pray to urban decay, allowing strip clubs, drug dealers and illegal migrant worker’s flea markets to prosper over the last several years.

Kennedy was assassinated while roaming the pantry after midnight by Sirhan Bishara Sirhan, a 25-year-old Palestinian immigrant.

A family spokesman said there has been great concern that a threat to build a public school on the grounds may somehow destroy the solemn reminder of the tragedy that took place there sometime in the last century.

"The 60's did not bode well for our family," Ted Kennedy said, as he fell from the podium.

A recent discovery shadowed by controversy may save the crumbling building from certain demolition.

A drug user, known only by Rat Man, has been training acrobatic mice to perform on street corners during the cover of darkness, when traffic is highest along the fenced in-garbage strewn hotel compound where drug starved hookers congregate.

When a PETA volunteer drove downtown to check out rumors the rodents were working for sub-standard wages, they discovered the mice to be the rare Preble’s meadow jumping mice that recently shut down the Bush Administration's efforts to develop homes, mines, airports, hospitals and any other development sutuble for human habitation in the western section of United States.

The Preble’s meadow mouse was thought to be extinct because Red Tailed Hawks would easily swoop down on the mice every time the little critters jumped into the air.

Biologists say some of the mice have been known to use their powerful tail and hind legs to lift them aloft three feet into the air, causing them to become a flying meal.

The bearded Rat Man, who often sat on the corner with a towel wrapped around his loins and a Christmas wreath over his snarly, greasy hair, has certain apprehensions about the Interior Department marking the roach infested building as a historical site.

"Man this dig, ya dig, is my home and when the mother ship comes they may not recognize my digs, ya dig," Rat Man said, during the press conference.

The Kennedy family has feared the battered equipment in the hotel pantry would end up on e-bay along with the fenders, bumpers, seat cushions and hanging dice salvaged from Ted Kennedy’s car.

"We want our family to be remembered as heroes that saved our nation from the encroachment of conservatives like Barry Goldwater from Arizona or someplace or other," Ted Kennedy said, waving a picture of a 1959 family reunion where the face of Jacqueline Kennedy had been removed with an Exacto Knife.

A biologist from the Los Angeles Zoo said the Preble’s mouse has never been known to exist in the LA Basin and has likely been captured in southern Colorado and planted there to save the structure.

Ted Kennedy said that was asinine and reminiscent of hate speech, the likes not heard since George Bush said he hated colored folks and hoped they would all drown in New Orleans as Katrina swept towards their city.

Kennedy also added, as he was passing out, the nominating vote for Alito should be postponed for 30 days so pregnant women could hurry and get their abortions and also called for a ban on the sale of coat hangers at Wal-Mart.

Diane Keaton was escorted off the hotel property by security guards after the conference when she errected a tent and promised an aide of hers would sleep there until the murderous Bush family rebuilds the hotel and removes the troops from Iran.


camojack said...

Edward (A.K.A. Teddy) Kennedy is a rat, man...

mig said...

Clinton saw it as a way to get some extra press decided to visit. He was just trying to save some pennies on gas by combining his other errand with the trip. Since his vet was nearby, he stopped in to get his cat first. Not wanting to leave his cat in the car because it would anger animal activist, big contributors to his wife's' election campaigns, he took the cat with him. Well, as they say the rest is history. Needless to say, demolition will begin soon and eminent domain will not be used in this case. The Preble field mouse jumps no more...

MargeinMI said...

Ms. RW,

Thanks for the hearty cuppa joe, and the delicious wedge of humor for breakfast. :oD

Just Ranting said...

Between Scrappleface and, now Shellyscafe, how am I supposed to get any work done.

I laughed out loud at this posting MS RW. Keep up the great work.

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

just ranting

Who said anything about getting work done. Since I started this blog my dishes have piled up, the newspapers are stacked out by the door and my cat hasn't been fed in days.

SGT USMC 1ea said...

Removes the troops from Iran. Oh that is precious.

Deus est Semper Fidelis

Hawkeye® said...

"The 60's did not bode well for our family," Ted Kennedy said, as he fell from the podium.

Good thing I wasn't drinking anything at the time I read that one! It would've been all over the computer.

Great one-liners Ms RW!