Still Learnin' After All These Years

Over the past week or so I busied myself writing satire. Sometimes I need to lift my soul from the dark side and bring rays of sunshine to my readers (ya right). This is an article published numerous times, no politics, no sarcasm. Just fun.

Just a few weeks ago a brilliant thought flashed through my head. Believe it or not, upon occasion I am prone to great thoughts. Trouble is when great thoughts come knocking on my front door I am nowhere to be found.

This fleeting thought pertained to a passage from Robert Fulghum's book, "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten."

The book, at one time, could be found in my personal library, so the elusive paperback should have been right at my fingertips, but it wasn't. Still I have a few recollections of the substance of the book so let us go back and reflect on Fulghum's basic points of kindness.

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say your sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life-learn some, think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and everyday work some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together.

I never went to kindergarten and thank God they never had day care in post-war America. Being deprived of all that early intervention pablum, I still managed to learn a thing or two, after all, a considerable amount of Iowa farm girls went on to be great and famous people--I just can't recall anyone at this moment.

Still, there is more to life than warm cookies and cold milk. It took several bumps on the road of life to learn the principals of survival and gain such great wisdom, so when I finally compose a book it will be entitled, "A Couple of Things I Happen To Figure Out One Day and Since I Had A Pencil On Me I Thought Perhaps I would Write Them Down."

The following are a few deep meaningful insights I have found to be of great significance:
Money is of little value if you don't have any.
God forgives, people don't.
If you go to see just one movie this year, I bet it will turn out to be lousy.
Be kind to everyone you meet. They may kick you in the shins, but you can limp down the path of righteousness.
When you live in a small town, don't talk about people, everyone is related.
Don't move to a small town because if you are not related to anyone, everyone talks about you.
If you own anything, give it away. If not someone will tax it, take it or both.
Don't play the lottery because you will never win, but if you do, I travel well.
Laugh at your bosses jokes.
Don't laugh at your boss.
Never chew Copenhagen.
Never kiss a man who chews Copenhagen.
Never kiss a girl who chews Copenhagen.
Never look over your shoulder because the Grim Reaper will make eye contact.
Placing your finger in a light socket to see if it is working is a very stupid act.
Don't take any wooden nickels but grab all the twenties you can.
Never start anything you can't finish.
Never open a bottle of wine.

There are many more nuggets of wisdom firmly ensconced in my head, but if I give them all away I will never sell my book and get on Oprah.

Other books my agent has shown interest in are, "Chicken Soup for the Stomach," and "Everything You Wanted To Know About Poverty But Were Afraid to Ask." I'm working on "MS for Dummies."

Perhaps you think my views on life are a bit odd. You are right. Remember, I never went to kindergarten so the concept of not playing in traffic alludes me and I do recall slugging a few nincompoops along the way.
I agree napping is heaven sent. An afternoon nap is almost better than chocolate. The idea of sharing everything is great, but just why does everyone share my stuff. As far as washing hands before eating, you provide the food and I'll bring the soap.

Now that is the way I see life, being my days behind me are greater than the days ahead. Now it is time to dance some, sing some, and just where did I place them warm cookies.