HOMELAND SECURITY DECLARES NO ELECTION RESULTS UNTIL THURSDAY OR LATER

President George Bush announced today from the snow covered White House Rose Garden that an emergency overnight congressional session was held this weekend to pass a law delaying election results until calm prevails across the nation.

Election officials from nearly all 50 states agreed the televised ads have created a hostile and unsafe environment for voters and booth workers alike.

"It is sad to see what the other party has created over the last few weeks and we are nearly in the rungs of civil war, therefore, by the War Powers Act and Homeland Security Act, I have taken necessary action to ensure a safe and peaceful Tuesday," President Bush said earlier today..

Scattered reports from across the nation have poured into local police stations of pillaging, overturning of cars in backyards of Appalachian states, teenagers shoplifting in malls, pot smoking, angry mothers hoarding milk and baby food plus other physical crimes such as televisions being tossed from windows of houses and passing cars.

The president urged Americans to get up, vote early and take the children to McDonalds and forget the escalating violence being perpetrated across the nation by mobs of angry politicians.

"These people (Democrats) have organized themselves rather well with hostile words and November surprises of mass destruction and we have seen Emergency Rooms across our lands becoming overwhelmed, where many have died from lack of oxygen due to uncontrollable shouting and refusing to take time to inhale," said Evans Jibbersly, spokesman for the Northern Ohio Chapter of Political Relaxation.

"Everything will have a chance to cool down if we just take a few days to think about what we did at the polls and be proud of it," Jibbersly said. You will feel better, your neighbor will feel better and America will feel better. Think of it as a group hug.

As the president was ready to step away from the podium he parted with a quote from Abraham Lincoln,

"Fellow-citizens, we cannot escape history. We of this Congress and this administration, will be remembered in spite of ourselves. No personal significance, or insignificance, can spare one or another of us. The fiery trial through which we pass, will light us down, in honor or dishonor, to the latest generation."

"Smile, be happy and vote. God bless you all," Bush said, as a flurry of reporters yelled at the president as he withdrew to the White House