THE VIRUS PART TWO

With computer parts now scattered across his bedroom all he needed was an extension cord to reach into the kitchen, since the only outlet on that side of the house was found there. Carter ran out to the shed and dug through nearly a dozen boxes until he found a dried brittle cord. Gramps once used it to secure his rocker to the porch in case another gas explosion was to occur. Now that gramps wandered off his family put his belongings out back in the shed.

Carter flew through the back door, plugged in the old pile of wires and plastic into the socket and hoped for science to reward him greatly for all his efforts. He pushed the on-off switch and sat back.
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Much to his dismay there were no checkbooks, no girlfriends, no world wide web to take him to far away places–just a dim flickering green screen starring back at him.

"Should be someplace to change channels don't ya reckon," pa said, as he stood in the doorway, keeping his distance.

"Naw, its got one of them viruses," his younger brother Justin said. "Computers carry them viruses ya know."

Suddenly from the back porch granny started to scream in a rather piercing tone as if she was summoning up every force of darkness for miles around. She overheard Justin's comments though the family considered her nearly half deaf.

"I know'd it, I know'd it. First we get electricity poisonin' from the gobernment, now ya bring a virus home and turn it lose. Heavens to Betsy son, what are you trying to do, kill off your poor old granny," she said, waiving her cane in his face.

The remainder of the day and half way through the night granny paced the floor until she fell to the bed in a cold sweat suffering from swamp madness.

About 3:30 in the morning the screaming resumed. "Call Doc Peterson, call the parson," granny yelled. "That computer virus done took hold of me and I'm a dyin, Oh sweet chariot come take me home." At 4:12 granny got up from her bed, took her last breath and fell over dead on top of the computer that she was about to beat with her cane.

Word spread like wildfire around McCarver County that Granny Edwards succumbed to a computer virus, all because her grandson brought home an infected machine. Folks started calling Doc Peterson asking for vaccinations and antibiotics. Seemed like all the explaining in the world could not lessen the panic stirring about the county.

They laid Granny to rest the following Saturday. Some folks thought it would be best to burn the coffin and body but instead the Parson gave a simple eulogy attended by a few brave souls of McCarver County.

"Folks, now you all know the millennium is about to come to an end, well, sadly I'm here to tell you we are stuck right here and will never enter that glorious new age," said the stern faced old pastor, holding a King James tightly against his chest, with one finger stuck somewhere in the Book of Revelations.

"We have no choice but to accept fate. Much as Moses overlooked the Promise Land but could not enter there in, we too, are lookin' at the year 2000 and find ourselves locked out. According to what I been a readin' in them news magazines my dearest wife brings home from the grocery store, all them computers will lock up on December 31 of this year and we will be stuck here, completely unable to git inta the new year."

"Oh my dear friends," the parson continued, "the world will surely be a mess, but not to worry, this same ol' devil virus that killed Granny Edwards will surely kill the rest of us and the scientists who created them machines. Prepare yourselves, ye sinners, and especially you who are responsible for bringing the virus into Granny's sweet lovin home. We are surely comin' home soon."

A few amen's rumbled from the crowd as Carter slumped down as low as he could in the hard metal folding chairs. A few of the ladies were fanning themselves rather briskly and if the parson hadn't started the chorus of Rock of Ages as soon as he did a few more elderly ladies may have soon greeted the great by and by.

The funeral ended with a solemn rendition of Nearer My God To Thee sung by Matilda Evans whose husband owned the funeral parlor, guaranteeing her top spot in the funeral proceedings. Her abrasive voice had caused many a whisper in the audiences over the years. After she sat down the parson invited all to stay for some good ol' potluck funeral eatin's over at Sister Bessie Miller's .

The next day Carter traded the computer, his worn out 65 Plymouth sedan and Granny's bed which nobody would sleep in, for a ‘62 Dodge Lancer with the back seat missing. As he drove up the long hill to the Edward's homestead the radiator hose blew, releasing a great cloud of steam into the muggy evening air. Carter pulled the old dusty blue car down into the driveway mumbling what seemed to be curses under his breath.

The cost of a new hose was more cash than he could scrape up at the time. No big deal since Carter always knew he could catch a ride out on the two lane if he could wait long enough. After all, his life wasn't goin' nowhere, nohow.


The Life and Times of Carter Edwards
Copyright 6/23/98

THE VIRUS

The following is a chapter from an unfinished novel called The Life and Times Of Carter Edwards. The book is a story about a young man who lived "south of here." No matter how hard he tried, life always held him down. Not that he wasn't ambitious and desirous of a fulfilling life, it's just a case of ol'man hard luck was always getting the best of him.

Scott's posting about Apple and Bill Gates reminded me of the chapter called The Virus, presented to my patrons in two parts.


Carter Edwards felt the world was passing him by. Not because his 65 Plymouth sedan would, like clock work quit running about six miles from home, whether coming or going. No, it wasn't car problems that befuddled Carter this day since he knew a ride could always be had if he stood out on the two-lane long enough.

Life's bitter downfall as Carter saw it, stemmed from his down-home lifestyle. Now you must understand the Edward's family lived rather simply, tucked away in a old house without electricity nor household appliances. The nearly 75 year-old pile of lumber and nails lie surrounded by woods, swamps and rather painful briars. Their completely deplorable housing situation ended three years ago when the government offered a grant to update some of the more rickety dwellings in McCarver County.

Carter's feeling of isolation only intensified while he sat in the government office helping his folks sign the contracts necessary for running electricity to their home. In his boredom he leafed through an outdated glossy periodical entitled Computer Savvy. Truth be known anything more complicated than a back porch swing befuddled Carter. Yet the idea of owning a computer suddenly excited him.

"Yup," he mumbled, "a computer is just what I need."

Carter figured if he owned a computer he would then be nearly as smart as his cousin Jerrold, who the family admired because he had a job which required a written test. Well, actually, it was just an application form, but in this family, filling out an application is a test.

Good fortune came to Carter the very next day. While digging around at the Bristol Holler Swap Shop and Used Car Emporium for a solenoid he found an old used computer. The pile of tangled wires, keyboard and screens dated back about 15 years but that did little to deter the excited young man.

Now the Edward's household, numbering around 12 inhabitants, depending who was leaving, running away from ,or being told to leave home, had the reputation of being a superstitious clan, with Grandma Lizzie being the worse. She swore to the idea since electricity was now running haphazardly all through the house, the invisible power would slowly kill them. This fear stemmed from the slow gas leak that blew most of the Edward's shack to smithereens back in ‘72, sending gramps and his rocker sailing back into the briars surrounding the slough.

The clatter of Melvin Dabit's pick-up could be heard descending the long steep driveway leading to the Edward's home that humid summer day. Carter jumped out of the truck, grabbed the pile of computer parts and after an awkward parting jester ran into the house allowing the screen-less back door to slap loudly behind him.


Carter knew the real world would soon await his every command if he could just get the computer wired up and plugged in. He read an article in the Computer Savvy magazine about getting your checking account on the computer. The misguided young man thought a checking account would literally be waiting for him to sign onto as soon as the dusty off-white machine came to life. Even more exciting was the idea of meeting girls, hundreds of them in fact, with just a magic push of a button.

With computer parts now scattered across his bedroom all he needed was an extension cord to reach into the kitchen, since the only outlet on that side of the house was found there. Carter ran out to the shed and dug through nearly a dozen boxes until he found a dried brittle cord. Gramps once used it to secure his rocker to the porch in case another gas explosion was to occur. Now that gramps wondered off his family put his belongings out back in the shed.

Carter flew through the back door, plugged in the old pile of wires and plastic into the socket and hoped for science to reward him greatly for all his efforts. He pushed the on-off switch and sat back.

6,000 PAGE REPORT BEFUDDLES MAYOR NAGIN

WASHINGTON —A 6,000 page report was released today by the Army Corp of Engineers showing what happened, how it happened and who was responsible for the destruction of New Orleans last fall after Katrina destroyed the historic town while many residents sat watching the impending doom approach on the Weather Channel.

The report contained vast amounts of technical terms, such as corruption, incompetence, extortion, tom foolery and hypnotic trances, the later from watching the above mentioned weather channel.

Also included in the article was an alarming fact that the gulf town is sinking under its own weight, so much that residents in high rise government slum housing may soon have walk in apartments.

The last few chapters contained penciled in diagrams and maps the engineers scribbled on the back pages of the reports while being placed on hold for hours by the Nagin administration.

Officials in Louisiana have downplayed the report saying the huge text was nothing more than a coverup by FEMA, who refused to save the chocolate town when disaster struck.

A government official told residents today in a radio broadcast over WWL The Big 870, "they have nothing to fear but running out of beer," during the next hurricane which was in reference to FEMA's refusal to supply beer to the residents who were stuck in their attics during 95 degree temperatures.

"The government's job is to see to it that poor folks get what they need in times of emergencies and a cold one would certainly been good medicine for folks who had to spend the day fighting off mambo snakes," an aide to the Nagin legacy told reporters.

When asked by a reporter from FOX News, if this whole city of New Orleans quagmire isn't reminiscent of Rome burning while Nero fiddled, the aide screamed back that "It was FEMA, if one recalls, who did not send sufficient drivers in time to load up the buses and now they want to join forces with the Army Corps and befuddle us with a 6,000 page report. We have to move forward and forward is just around the corner."

Meanwhile another report was released today showing the polar ice caps were once a tropical vacation spot for early human-like primates since explorers recently discovered beach chairs, ice buckets and those funny little paper umbrellas that are so popular with tourist.

Nagin's office was looking into those rumors as their phones and computers were sinking in the mud.

SHEEHAN DEMANDS TROOP PULL OUT FROM EAST TIMOR

SOMEWHERE, UNITED STATES–Cindy Sheehan, charismatic leader of the vibrant left wing Pull Out Party (POP), told a small crowd of protestors at a Memorial Day speech yesterday that our president should demand all foriegn troops depart East Timor immediately.

East Timor's president, Xanana Gusmao announced emergency measures after mobs burned down straw huts, upset empty garbage canisters and burned the only 24 cars left on the island, all because of missing evidence that massacres followed the nation's break from Indonesia.

When asked by reporters if she knew how to find East Timor on the map, Sheehan replied that, "Where it is at is of little consequence to her because if troops are there then oil had to be around someplace, and if oil was around someplace then Bush was letting our children die for no reason."

Since violence has flooded the capital, killing at least 27 stray dogs and wounding 100 people, some 1,300 foreign troops have been sent in from Australia, New Zealand and Malaysia in hopes of restoring peace.

President Bush responded to a reporter from National Public Radio, who loved using her phony nauseating accent, he had no reason to send in troops to quell civil disobedience and, "if she hadn't been listening to Sheehan to begin with, that she (the reporter) wouldn't be wasting his precious time asking something that stupid."

Gusmao said he was taking sole control of security, which in turn was seen as an attempt by ruthless gangs to destroy the political freedom of this once unknown country.

Following her Memorial Day speech at the Skeptics Power Unitarian Temple outside Denver, Sheehan joined in a march with nearly 31 other geographically befuddled followers to the Borders Book Store in hopes of discovering where East Timor is located and why Australia, who joined forces with Bush to fight the war in Iraq, has invaded this country nobody ever heard of.

A spokesperson for POP said Sheehan's followers discovered that East Timor had a bustling Sandalwood trade until Oceanic Exploration Corporation and ConocoPhillips began to develop oil exploration projects which in turn caused natives to slash and burn the aromatic trees.

As of today East Timor has the world's lowest GNP due mostly to the natives desire to sit around and burn incense, but that could soon change because Starbucks has shown a potential desire to cultivate expensive but nasty tasting coffee which would elevate it to the world's third worse GNP right behind Cuba and Haiti.

"We knew all along if we connected the dots it would lead to that place in Texas where we protested last year, wherever that was, you know the President's ranch," the POP representative said.

FBI REPLACES CONGRESSIONAL CLEANING STAFF

WASHINGTON–The search undertaken by the FBI last weekend against Louisiana's front running Democratic bribery king, William Jefferson, has lawmakers upset because many feel it was unconstitutional as well as a tad bit uncomfortable.

House Majority Leader John Boener of Ohio told reporters his maid service refused to show up that evening because the new Americans who normally clean offices quickly vacated the area when uniformed men entered the building.

"Congress will somehow speak to this issue of the Justice Department's invasion of the legislative branch. In what form I don't know," Boehner said.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he understood the concerns but felt the maid service was doing a rotten job to begin with so everyone needed to take a deep breath, calm down and go back to doing whatever it was they were doing before the FBI ransacked Jefferson's office.

A source with the FBI said officials could not believe the condition Jefferson's office before they entered the luxuriously appointed three bedroom Washington domicile.

"We had to undertake a decisive move that evening in what we called Operation Cleanup," Gonzales said. "It took nearly three hours to pick up hidden money, desktop computers that were left laying around as well as hard drives that we were sure had dust and old fingerprints on them, so we took them downtown to clean them up for him."

Hillary Clinton D-N.Y. said she was thankful that her office staff had everything clean and in order before the FBI inspection came through.

"Even the box of files under my bed were finally cleaned out and shredded," Clinton said.

"We were actually doing Rep. William Jefferson a favor," Gonzales told reporters, "since he seemed to have lost a subpoena that we issued last summer."

The FBI were looking for known documents as well as money Jefferson had put away after agents recorded his conversations.

"It was amazing because he seemed to have swept the subpoena and much more under the carpet," Gonzales said.

Jefferson still has hopes for his political career and was glad to finally have a bribery charge lodged against him, he told reporters at a national press conference Monday.

"In Louisiana you have to be man enough to take what you can when you can get it or nobody will respect you. Now, truly, I William Jefferson, can be the real first black president."

Jefferson was in the news last fall when Katrina was destroying much of New Orleans he insisted the National Guard call off rescue missions until he had time to go and get things in order at his home.

Jefferson was seen carrying out laptops, foil wrapped bundles and a large metal container he said contained the ashes of his dearly beloved great-great grandmother.

Still the debate about the FBI's Operation Cleanup is brewing up to be a Tempest in the Teapot as Congress is calling for investigation number 3,724.

"I've got to believe at the end of the day it's going to end up across the street at the Supreme Court," Boehner said. "And is it ever a mess over there."

In a written statement John Kerry D-Mass, said he is all in favor of Operation Cleanup and hopes the agents can find his misplaced Naval records that he promised to release.

HILLARY CLINTON ANGERED OVER CASTRO'S WEALTH

NEW YORK/HAVANA--A unaimed source disclosed today that Senator Hillary Clinton D-N.Y., was extremely upset when she discovered this month's Forbes magazine reported that Fidel Castro's worth was in the area of $900 million.

Though Castro denied the report as backwash from a capitalist pig sewage lagoon and his, and we quote, "Monthly salary is only 900 Cuban pesos ($47) a month and his net worth is zero."

The Clinton wealth is just a little over 1 million dollars, which is not bad considering they came to the White House with no money and only a set of luggage from the Arkansas based Wal Mart.

"I taught him all I knew about cattle futures and land deals but I think he is holding out on me," Ms. Clinton said.

Castro was not as open as Clinton on how he garnered his extreme wealth but those close to Castro said he held a tight market on ‘53 Chevrolets and in order to acquire such, a peasant will have to sell his land, the first born and his burro.

In an extremely boring five hour speech Castro denied such wealth exists in Cuba and he has always been a role model for hunger and poverty.

Forbes reported that most of his holding are in overseas banks where bank presidents are offered the finest hand rolled cigars from Cuban tobacco,

Clinton said she often thought about investing in Cuban cigar futures but her husband Bill has been forbidden to have any cigars about the house.

"I realize that Castro has been in power since his leftist revolution in 1959 and we only started in 1992, but come on now, crunch the numbers, we should have at least $50 million of our constituents wealth by now" Clinton said

Castro has decreed that any Forbes Magazines in Cuba must be destroyed immediately or the reader of capitalist poppycock will be deported to Haiti, the only western hemisphere country poorer than Cuba.

"If they can prove that I have a bank account abroad, with $900 million, with $1 million, $500,000, $100,000 or $1 in it, I will resign," Castro said during his insipid four-hour broadcast.

Bill Clinton supposedly called Castro for an application blank for Premier of his country stating, "The old goat is going to die any day and heck, I can dig being ruler of a tropical island with all those dark skinned beauties."

An aide to Hillary announced she just might let him take the job but not to allow him a raft to come back on.