SHEEHAN DEMANDS TROOP PULL OUT FROM EAST TIMOR

SOMEWHERE, UNITED STATES–Cindy Sheehan, charismatic leader of the vibrant left wing Pull Out Party (POP), told a small crowd of protestors at a Memorial Day speech yesterday that our president should demand all foriegn troops depart East Timor immediately.

East Timor's president, Xanana Gusmao announced emergency measures after mobs burned down straw huts, upset empty garbage canisters and burned the only 24 cars left on the island, all because of missing evidence that massacres followed the nation's break from Indonesia.

When asked by reporters if she knew how to find East Timor on the map, Sheehan replied that, "Where it is at is of little consequence to her because if troops are there then oil had to be around someplace, and if oil was around someplace then Bush was letting our children die for no reason."

Since violence has flooded the capital, killing at least 27 stray dogs and wounding 100 people, some 1,300 foreign troops have been sent in from Australia, New Zealand and Malaysia in hopes of restoring peace.

President Bush responded to a reporter from National Public Radio, who loved using her phony nauseating accent, he had no reason to send in troops to quell civil disobedience and, "if she hadn't been listening to Sheehan to begin with, that she (the reporter) wouldn't be wasting his precious time asking something that stupid."

Gusmao said he was taking sole control of security, which in turn was seen as an attempt by ruthless gangs to destroy the political freedom of this once unknown country.

Following her Memorial Day speech at the Skeptics Power Unitarian Temple outside Denver, Sheehan joined in a march with nearly 31 other geographically befuddled followers to the Borders Book Store in hopes of discovering where East Timor is located and why Australia, who joined forces with Bush to fight the war in Iraq, has invaded this country nobody ever heard of.

A spokesperson for POP said Sheehan's followers discovered that East Timor had a bustling Sandalwood trade until Oceanic Exploration Corporation and ConocoPhillips began to develop oil exploration projects which in turn caused natives to slash and burn the aromatic trees.

As of today East Timor has the world's lowest GNP due mostly to the natives desire to sit around and burn incense, but that could soon change because Starbucks has shown a potential desire to cultivate expensive but nasty tasting coffee which would elevate it to the world's third worse GNP right behind Cuba and Haiti.

"We knew all along if we connected the dots it would lead to that place in Texas where we protested last year, wherever that was, you know the President's ranch," the POP representative said.