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Tuesday, May 02, 2006



CLEVELAND– The old fashioned punch ballot departed and the electronic age brought curses and angst to numerous people in Ohio as today's primary begins the dawn of a new era in voting technology.

The more sophisticated technology was mandated by the federal Help America Vote Act of 2002 after senior Florida voters elected President Bush by mistake, thinking instead they were casting votes for Harry S. Truman.

The touch screen and automatic scanning machines had presented a few problems in trial runs but the manufacture promised all the glitches would be repaired by voting day.

In several heavily Democratic areas of Cleveland reports have came in to RightWing News, Ink of seething voter displeasure and acts of violence towards the machines.

Numerous sites had reports of elderly election workers becoming confused at the computerized scanners causing them to return to their their cars and going back home, leaving the machines inoperable and unprotected.

Winford Furgybiter of Cleveland's West side told reporters he became disoriented from filling in circles with ink so the ballot could be scanned that he passed out and now fears he may have voted for Kenneth Blackwell by mistake.

Blackwell is the ultra-conservative governor nominee on the Republican ticket who looks like an African-American but doesn't hold to the values of the angry left.

On stately east side suburb of Shaker Heights officials said Marc A. Fenster was arrested after he knocked over two voting machines worth $2,700 each in a fit of rage and was charged with disorderly conduct and willful destruction of government property.

Another Democratic voter became angry when he could not find chads laying on the floor after the computer scanned his ballot and called Democratic lawyers who were on standby in numerous locations.

The Most Reverend Jesse Jackson, in a photo opportunity with Jimmy Carter, has ordered a recall of all the machines saying they scare all old people no matter if they are white, rainbow or of color.

Jackson said the machines favor the Republicans but would not tell reporters what he meant by the allegations.

Republican officials received e-mails from Jackson's office claiming the, and we quote "The wachamadinger that you insert into the whachyamacallit part of the computer to make them work are rigged and we want an immediate investigation."

One disgruntled voter who wished to remain anonymous said the scanner only let him insert the ballot into the computer once and he missed the good old days when a person could stuff the ballot boxes as long as he wished.

Reports of voter problems were nonexistent in conservative districts around Ohio.

Akron officials report numerous calls of rioting, looting, cutting off ears and voters attaching electrical wires to their genitals.


Barb said...

Well, by golly, I think they need to put out a tote bag saying " I voted on the new machines in Ohio,and attached electrical wires to my genitals." Bet you could sell several tens of thousands of them.
BTW ,did those folks go home before the did that ,or did they do the wire thing at the Polls?That might have messed up the dohickey.

onlineanalyst said...

Attached electrical wires to their genitals? Was that to assure that their hearts were in the right place? Aroused voters have no conscience.

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

What people won't due in a moment of anger, eh

da Bunny said...

I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight, knowing that Winford Furgybiter may have accidentally voted for Blackwell! He probably voted for Pat Buchanan back in 2000, too! It's good to know that Je$$e is on the scene to make sure none of his "homeys" are disenfranchised.

SGT USMC 1ea said...

Ms RW thank you for your prayer(s).

Only John Kerry-heinz voting machines will attach wires to genitals in fashion reminiscant of Jenghis Khan. I know because he personally witnessed and participated in it and testified to it before congress.

Deus est Semper Fidelis

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

What a day in the buckeye but as of bedtime I think Blackwell won!

boberin said...

Funny stuff Ms. Keep up the good work!

camojack said...

It's those danged Diebold voting contraptions, I tells ya!

The trotting Possum said...

I have been taken to task for not posting comments on my friends' websites.

I often feel inadequate, because you are so much better-spoken than I am. Silence should never imply lack of attention and readership.

Okay, I'm posting, even if it's vacuous. I heard there were some tire-slashing convictions up north; so much for political convictions. I also saw a headline that your major state prison for sexual predators is overfilled and inadequate. Does that explain that sick judge?

I wish I had a sense of humor, so I could try to give Shelly, Ms. RW, a run for her money.

The "Bell Telephone Hour" is a time-honored tradition from Vietnam. I'm sure it's "seared" into the memory of Senator Kerry, Senator Clinton, and all of the other presidential pretenders. Respect for family values prevents graphic descriptions of gasoline-powered air compressors, reptiles, and innocent baby piglets from the heralded Vietnam era. The world can be an ugly place, and even CIA agents need killing at times.

Maggie said...

I fully understand your hesitancy in posting and having to follow these superior intellects.
Really can one add to 'barb's comment "I voted on the new machines in Ohio,and attached electrical wires to my genitals?"
One just has to repeat it....'cause it can't be topped.LMHO

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

Oh my dear friends I know I need to post something new--it shall come soon. So many ideas so little time

Kajun said...

What will they pay per pound for chads...I might sweep the floor here.

Kajun said...

You MUST get better; immediately!

BTW: My sister said she had a cataract. I told her: "It's about time you got rid of that old Buick".

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...


cataracts! Oh you are to much

Going to post a new story today (fingers crossed behind the back)

Hawkeye® said...

Hmmmmmmm. Senior citizens voting for Harry S. Truman with wires on their genitals and knocking over voting machines because they can't find chads on the floor??