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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Gore Fears The Earth Will Soon Explode

In a non-televised news conference before tens of environmentalist, Al Gore, fresh from his Monk Money World Tour, lamented his work to clean the dirty universe a failure.

A leaked report given to the San Francisco Post from an employee of the National Center for Atmospheric Research, said the Earth will soon be like a roasted walnut in the vast solar system due to high intensity solar flares expected to start early this fall.

The ex-vice president, who still wore an arm cast from unmerciful beatings from several Vietnamese who mistook a statement he made during the tour, held up a clay model of the sun, the earth and the moon, attempting to explain what will happen in the upcoming years.

The depressing news started when Mausumi Dikpati and her colleagues at the National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder calculated observations of the sun's interior with new super computer to illustrate the flow of plasma, or electrically charged gas, that propel sunspots like a cannon until they become powerful enough to burst free of the sun's gravity and rain fire and damnation on the planet earth.

With tears streaming down his cheeks Gore shook the clay model until the simulated earth fell to the podium "Obviously this will destroy everything I lived for, the air I wanted to breath, the birds singing where a toxic dump once thrived, the fame I earned, all soon to disappear. Gone, Gone, gone."

Scientist, once shrouded in dark laboratory's have been rushing to 24 hour news outlets, such as CNN, CNBC and a host of others that clog the networks with tales of despair and agony.

"Millions of children and housewives will be the first to be affected as the powerful solar rays will likely blow cell phones into the next century," Alex J. Crumblecracker, prominent scientist at Ginger Falls Junior College said."Children who likely never have talked to a human face-to-face will be forced to find their way home without help."

Other scientist called for calm and told reporters this is just a twelve year cycle, much like the noisy locust that crawl from the ground every eighteen years and drive people in the suburbs half crazy.

Experts from NASA stated this will have a serious effect on communications. Shows like American Idol may disappear just as a singer finishes and cell phones will be little use to vote, worse yet this will wipe out most daytime dramas since the intensity will be highest between 12 noon and 5 p.m.

"Judge Judy will become a mess of gobbledy-gook if she stands in front of cameras," Gore said. "Electric razors and waffle irons will suddenly come to life, trees will burn and worse of all the polar ice caps will melt and folks in New York City will be forced to swim to work."

"I find Gore's statements to be utterly nonsense. We are in what scientist refer to as cycle 24 and we may not see anything till 2007," J.P. Sturdmont of NASA II said.

The debate will likely become a hot topic amongst scientists.

"We broke away from current thought of other scientist who wanted to shoot down the space station before it crashed to the earth. Nope, I just don't see it becoming a big deal, Sturdmont said."

Al Gore left the auditorium and told the lone reporter he was going home to his solar proof house and will await the environmental Armageddon.


Kajun said...

What will happen to Algore when he is forced to breathe second hand smoke from his tobacco sheds?

Barb said...

So The Gasoline Engine never was the problem?
You mean all of us Rich Republicans aren't going to cause the sky to fall?
Why do I have the feeling Gore's head will explode ,long before the earth does?
Maybe Aligore can cry enough to put out those tobacco shed fires. All he has to do is think about how much money he will lose.

onlineanalyst said...

Do you mean that the guy who "created" the Internet has been "flamed" by Mother Nature?

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

Sun of a gun if I know.

camojack said...

If he's right, it'll be a moot that point.

Maggie said...

Do you think Algore is the reincarnation of Rod Serling or is that Rod Sterling? You may hum the theme to Twightlight Zone now.