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Monday, March 20, 2006
President Bush Suspected Of Ramming College Protestors
CLEVELAND OHIO After a speech this afternoon at the City Club, President Bush allegedly sped through, with reckless ambition, a popular campus hangout near Case Western Reserve University on the far eastern side of this once prosperous town.
Cleveland police said the incident was identical to that of Mohammed Taheri-azar, who rammed his SUV through the University of North Carolina on March 3.
"The only black limousine with American flags on the roof we can account for was the president's personal vehicle," said Edward Lohn, Cleveland's Chief of Police. "He seemed to know exactly where to head for, Chilly Willy's Waffle House."
Chilly Willy's is a trendy pancake house where students can buy tofu flap jacks and soy bean bacon while sipping on organic coffee.
At the time of the attempted limousine murder nearly twenty-five anti-war protestors witnessed the speeding streched SUV.
Police said the rag-tag mob, who were allegedly to stoned to go home after yesterday's poorly attended anti-war rally , was trying to locate their banners so they could take a bus downtown to protest Bush's presence in the rusted out city on Lake Erie.
White House officials denied President Bush's involvement, stating he was quickly whisked off to Air Force One after threats from the city's Democratic leaders who felt Bush came there just to bring jobs and prosperity.
"We know what he was up to," said Mayor Frank G.Jackson. "It's the same old Republican jibber-jabber--bring in jobs and lower taxes. First thing you know we have to answer a whole crap load of questions to our African-American community trying to justify their poverty."
Approximately a dozen hired protestors stood outside the City Club chanting "No more war, I think that is what we are here for."
Carlos Constinine-Ward-Perkins Anstonovich, one of several protestors remembers seeing the limousine but said the driver was a white woman who resembled some lady they saw at a protest in Texas one day. "I seen a woman just like her get kicked around by the Washington DC police on television, I just can't recall her name, but it was Cindy something or other."
The FBI agreed that Bush was likely on his way to Air Force One, but also admitted that Cheney had landed at Akron-Canton Airport earlier today but was supposedly speaking before a group of hard core right-wing fanatics at a place called The Spread Eagle Cafe.
Cleveland police said they heard from FBI agents that likely it was not Cheney because no shots were fired.
As of late this evening nobody seems to know exactly what happened on Clevelands east side, but a source said that the whereabouts of Cindy Sheehan is not known at this time and that she is a suspect.
Officials responded to a crowd of furious reporters at the White House who were demanding to know the truth behind the out-of-control limo, "Who's to know," is all they would say as they walked slowly into White House shadows.