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Friday, April 07, 2006

Skeletal Remains of Tiktaalik roseae Refuted

After an in depth investigation, RightWing News, Ink discovered the supposed skeletal remains of a 360 million year old Alli-fish by Philadelphia's Academy of Natural Sciences was not really what the geniuses had presumed it to be.

Carbon dating by the Mark III Dyno Dater Carbon Machine had scientist believing the bones were that of Tiktaalik roseae, a fancy dancing fish that pranced right up through the evolutionary chain, going from an outer space fish to a human in the mere time span of thousands and thousands of decades.

After a closer examination by our crack team of editorial scientist we reconstructed the remains through our highly sophisticated computers and with a little touch-up in Photo Shop we have determined that the fast stepping fish was bogus and in reality was a rusted out hulk of a 1958 Packard Hawk [see above photo]

Willard Fiilmore, Alaskan native car recycling expert, told reporters the Packard was used by Eskimos to haul elderly residents of Barrows to bingo parlors in Western Manitoba and when the car died on the way home it was abandoned and eventually melted into the landscape.

"The problem with them fancy scientist is they presuppose all of our junk to be somethin' from before man were even here," Fiilmore said, wiping the frost from his glasses. "Why just last year they thought a rusted brake drum off an old International pickup was proof that meteorites had iron in them."

Fiilmore said he had many scientist come up north to dig under the ice and one, he said, dug up the area he just bulldozed over.

"Yup, he was besides himself when he discovered our family outhouse sight, it been there for nearly 25 years. Guess there weren't much he could do there," Fiilmore said, laughing till tears filled his eyes. "I'd like to hear what he told his colleagues ‘bout that dig."

The Packard remains were turned over to the Loma Linda Academy of Natural Sciences where it will be rebuilt and put on exhibit as, according to carbon dating, a three hundred and forty-seven thousand year-old-car.


onlineanalyst said...

This is further proof that the Aztecs had a superior society that extended well beyond the borders imposed by the imperialist designs of the European settlers. Viva Aztlan! Ward Churchill is likely to find your flag, once attached to the arial of this fine specimen of horsepower from the steel and rubber age of the native population, when he frees himself from the academic arm of the Bush Reichstag that insists on steenking facts.

Hawkeye® said...

I had a 56 million year old Buick once. I know it was a fossil because it never ran.

JAINPHX said...

I bet it only had A.M. radio. dont think F.M.was invented yet

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...

Now physics is all starting to make sense. Why didn't I know all this stuff in Hi School

The trotting Possum said...

This is too funny!

I love Studebakers. I dated a girl in high school who drove an actual Packard.

If they keep dumping the nuclear waste into our north Georgia creeks, we'll have some odd-looking trout after a while.

Waiting for canoists and playing my banjo on Scorpion Hill...

camojack said...

Based on this, I think we should go ahead and let them drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve.

Kajun said...

That '58 Packard "Hawk" looks suspiciously like a Studebaker Hawk
Maybe we should consult Hawkeye{Rgistered Tademark}[patent pending and all that stuff]; he should lnow something about hawks.

Kajun said...


FM radio was first; according to Fred Flintstone.

Kajun said...

I still can't play a banjo!

Ms. RightWing, Ink said...


That is because Studebaker bought out Packard or Packard bought out Studebaker, no I think it was Studebaker that bought out Packard.

But anyhow it does look like the scientist geniuses did dig up a '58 Packard.

Kajun said...

I tink Hudson was mixed up in that Studebaker-Packard mess.

BTW: A local character here, still rides around in a 1937 Packard.