Democrats Finally Complete Draft On New Ideas To Win The White House

After a long evening of self-examination, reading the New York Times, drinking coffee and browsing through comic books, the Democratic Nationalists Party (DNP) finally created a plan to win the hearts of America in the next presidential election.

Nancy Pelosi read the bedeviling three page statement, which contained one and a half pages outlined in Spanish, laying out the complete vision of the Democratic party.

Along with the great oratorical words and buffoonery, which took one hour, Senate Democratic spokesperson Harry Reid, D-Nev., finally shared the coup de grâce of the platform which included eliminating Osama bin Laden, rebuilding the military, winning the war in Iraq as quickly as possible and peeking into all containers and cargo bound for the United States.

Harry Reid, D-Nev., said our gang wanted to show "that Democrats are just as patriotic as Republicans."

"We watch baseball, pay our taxes and I'm sure if I think hard enough, I can come up with a few extra things to show we can wave our flags just as well as they (Republicans) can."

The political statement was thin on details and had no mention of how they were going to eliminate bin Laden, but Pelosi was sure of one thing, more troops were needed to win the war.

"I plan to introduce a bill to make it a requirement for military recruiters to open an office on every major campus in our country," Pelosi said as she crossed her fingers behind her back. "And hopefully we can reintroduce the draft, something Bush should have done ten years ago."

When asked what she meant by "our country" and then was reminded Bush was not in power ten years ago Pelosi just told the reporters that remarks had to be submitted in writing and maybe they would take a closer look at the questions.

Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., also told reporters their plan wiped clean the table of discussion and dared the Republicans to beat their plans to capture bin Laden.

"I don't think they can muster the courage," Clinton said. "We showed them we had the, well, how can I put it, the testicles one might say, to keep the terrorist away from our ports and never once did we have to listen in on a private phone conservation to do it."

Reid added that, "Bush declared an illegal war and we plan on taking this conflict back to the courts, making it legal."

The new plan, which for some unknown reason left out John Kerry, was released after the evening news.

Many evening commentary programs such as FOX News made political hay out of the report, especially the page written in Spanish.

"The report was just alphabet soup dumped on the floor, swept up and thrown on their political table," said a pundit on CNN. "I sure can't make heads or tails out of it."

There was no response from the White House but tumultuous laughter could be heard in the Oval Office.