CONELRAD WILL LIKELY REPLACE FEMA

WASHINGTON--As demands for the abolishment of the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) are called for by a Senate Panel, a private think has proposed a renewal of older technology to alert Americans of impending disasters, school closings and locations of cheap gas.

Throughout the cold war all a citizen had to do was find the magical triangle on the radio dial and everything they needed to know in order to protect themselves from being killed by Russian bombers was at their fingertips.

Conelrad ( Control Of Electromagnetic Radiation) was implemented by Harry S. Truman in 1951 and required selected medium wave radio stations (AM) on the frequencies of 640 and 1240 to broadcast the location of bombers so everyone could scurry to their bomb shelters or die.

The newly formed i-Institute of Futuristic Think Tanking recommended the implementation of Conelrad once again and giving it a modern abbreviation meaning to "Control of Dumb Nasty Egregious Remarks."

All citizens with a valid Social Security number and two forms of pictured ID would be able to pick up a pastel colored AM / FM radio with the standard Civil Defense markings placed firmly on a hand tune dial.

Children will be taught in school how to turn a radio dial as well how to duck and roll onto a school bus in case of impending hurricanes.

The Republican controlled congress said they would agree with new proposal only if Air America was not allowed to be near either triangular Civil Defense station.

In the case of a severe disaster people living within a government designated zone could press an additional button on the back of the radio where upon a cash card would be dispensed so victims could get their nails done, buy shiny rims for their cars or go to Aruba to relax and calm their nerves.

Conelrad was replaced in 1963 by the Emergency Broadcast System which requires listners to obey directives during high pitch testing and also allows pets to become frightened and urinate all over the rug.