RightWing News, Ink For Wendsday April 26

TONY SNOW TAKES THE HELM AS PRESS SECRETARY

WASHINGTON–In hopes of pulling together his new staff, President Bush selected the often outspoken Fox radio host and former speech writer, Tony Snow as White House press secretary.

Bush admitted he never listens to talk radio, therefore is not aware that Snow, 50, has often challenged the decisions made by the president.

Pundits on the left have already accused the administration of lifting high the banner of hate speech.

Several groups such as Mothers Against Babies (MAB), Gay and Lesbian Future Farmers (GLFF) and Dorks Unlimited (DU) have already decided to picket the White House because they fear Snow will begin to implant words for the press to parrot.

Snow said he will implement several changes immediately, such as actually attending presidential briefings, something Scott McClellan never did.

"I'm going to change the way reporters gain access to White House information, instead of sitting in the audience acting like fools, reporters will have to write out their questions and when I get around to answering them I will e-mail the answers to the respective reporter," Snow said.

Several news outlets like the New York Times, Newsweek and the Daily Kos are infuriated with Snows new techniques to shield the president and these keepers of the news have filled the airwaves and printed pages with complete displeasure.

"I realize their dilemma," Snow added, "So I think a call in Friday may help satisfy their needs to flex their ego muscles."




HARVARD STUDENT IS NABBED FOR STEALING THOUGHTS

A highly educated Harvard student, Kaavya Viswanathan, is accused of stealing passages from several best sellers by Random Houses's best author, Megan McCafferty.

Viswanathan 19, apologized for using over 40 references plagiarized from McCafferty's novels, Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings.

After accepting a half a million dollar book deal, Viswanathan said she was inspired by McCafferty's words and terms and couldn't help herself.

"The words just spoke to me, I slammed the books shut but they still spoke to me, in my shower and while I slept, they spoke to me," Viswanathan said. "I couldn't shut them up."

Steve Ross, spokesperson from Crown Publishing, a subsidiary of Random House, said their was at least 40 passages lifted from Sloppy Firsts and fans of McCafferty soon discovered the cryptic messages planted in Viswanathan's novel How Opal Mehta Got Kissed.

"It is rather like the Davinci Code, she took letters from the 40 passages and turned them into random numbers and then converted the random numbers into haphazard letters," Ross said.

The Harvard sophomore has apologized for any similarities between her first novel and two books by Megan McCafferty.

"I have to move on with my life and this half a million book deal shows the public that thoughts are not just one persons ideas but the cosmic universe has allowed words to be absorbed by inquiring minds like mine," Viswanathan said.

"Apologize all she wants but reading her books are agonizing and it demeans the integrity of all literary giants from Shakspere to Dr Seuss," Ross said.

No word has come from Oprah yet about a television interview for Viswanathan.





MICRO REFINERIES MAY SAVE THE CONSUMERS THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ANNUALY

ARKANSAS--With the cost of oil nearing $73 a barrel, scientist working under a grant by Wal Mart have finally discovered a way to lower the cost to approximately fifteen dollars.

A large product line at deep discount stores offer their own store brands next to the popular selling products.

For instance you can buy Scott Tissue at $4.95 a package or Ol' Roy Toilet Paper for $2.99, it is a customer's choice.

This was a concept sitting right before the buyer's eyes and for diverse reasoning, international agreements, politics and red tape, the idea never took flight.

Wal Mart will now market generic oil to small family run refineries for a much lower price than Arab oil for instance.

"The time has come for individuals to learn the fine art of micro refinering, like afficionados of the hop plants are doing all across America," said Johnny Lightning, Marketing Director of Wal Mart.

Wal Mart claims in it's book How To Power Your SUV, that anyone with a little plumbing knowledge can build a refinery in their back lot for under a thousand dollars.

Home Depot has a refinery kit selling for nearly $500 that promises gas, lubricants and heating oil.

"Wal Mart will soon come out with a new jingle for its generic oil complete with our little smiley face pal, Lightning said.

Several government agencies warn consumers that micro refining is unsafe and may cause bleeding ulcers, delirious convulsions and bed wetting.