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Sunday, February 19, 2006

Cheney Calls McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner To Thank Him For Taking Number One Spot

Washington

After a week of embarrassingly cruel headlines, it looks like Vice President and marksman, Dick Cheney is about to drop down from the number one most hated individual.

Since news reports last week revealed McDonald's has been secretly placing nutritional food ingredients in their french fries, CEO Jim Skinner, has become the man to hate.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan immediately notified press outlets that Cheney called Skinner and offered his condolences.

Two organizations have came to the battle line, The National Farmers Organization (NFO) and Vegans for Ethical Treatment of Oleo (VETO), over the addition of food groups to snack foods.

Bert Farglemint, a despondent farmer from Goosebend, Wisconsin, has watched his profits fall over the years as more and more food has become synthesized with chemicals and artificial flavors and this recent criticism has him seeing red.

"My hens are laying overtime and my cousin Earl down the road been planting more wheat so we can get a cut in the multi-million dollar french fry business," Farglemint said. "It's not fair Idaho s the only state to make a killing in the fried tater business."

A whistle blower working in a North Dakota potato frying company called reporters at The Fargo Forum and said he witnessed company officials adding real food products to the coatings of fries and knowing how harmful replacing food with chemicals could be, he felt compelled to call reporters.

Agriculture officials admitted real egg and wheat products replaced Cogniptual 32 and biphosphated hydranated bleach in french fries being shipped to McDonald's.

Jade Collie, a vegan from Santa Monica, was one of several thousand people bringing a lawsuit to McDonald's after she found out she ate products from non-union hens.

"I quit eating eggs, honey, milk, pizza, taco chips, and multi numerous other farm products because they are either produced by farmers who beat their hens or raise corn that is bio-diversified," Collie said. "I used to love to hang with my friends and eat bags of french fries, now what am I to do, why I don't even trust their yogurt anymore."

Jill E. Shakie, president of Mothers of Anemic Children (MAC) have also filed a suit claiming their children have been exposed to deadly natural foods over the last ten years and though none of them have died yet, it was possible.

Lawyers are busy preparing commercials to run during afternoon soaps.

4 comments:

camojack said...

First!!!
(Again)

Cute story, too...

onlineanalyst said...

And to think that the Islamo-nutballs were the first (Well, after Camo, of course) to recognize the danger of McDonalds and light the torch to lead the unwashed and malnourished!

Great storytelling (as always), MsRW., Ink!

Barb said...

Those MACmothers should just feed their children a good wholesome American diet of Pizza and Beer.And Cookies. Preferably CCC because not all of them can get WFCCC.

Barb said...

BTW, everyne is invited out to Old MacDonald's farm for a barn raising and hen beating. Whoever is the bestest beater will get a Big Mac and Super-sized Fries.Old Mac says, "Get there when the rooster crows."